


Divided Loyalties

by littlewonder



Series: Otherfuckers [5]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alien Culture, Alien Sex, Anal Sex, Begging, Birth Control, Blackmail, Blow Jobs, Confessions, Confrontations, Drunk Sex, F/M, Guilty Pleasures, Implied Relationships, Kink Exploration, Love/Hate, Mild Blood, Remorse, Resolution, Scheming, Sci-Fi Birth Control, Secret Relationship, Sex Education, Shower Sex, Sleep Sex, Unhealthy Relationships, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 04:49:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19845925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlewonder/pseuds/littlewonder
Summary: When she gets drunk at Quark's and ends up fucking a random Cardassian, new doctor on DS9, Adelaide Damon, is horrified to learn the identity of that Cardassian the next day. What follows is a series of bad choices that leads Adelaide to question who she's really loyal to.





	1. Chapter 1

Adelaide wandered into Quark’s Bar for the first time. Tentatively, she approached the bar, where a Ferengi was polishing a glass.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“I don’t know. What do you got?"

The Ferengi sighed, pausing in his work. Eyeing her briefly, he suggested, “Root beer?"

"Oh god no. Anything but that."

He smiled at her, beckoning her to the bar fully. She took a seat, as he told her, “I like you. I’ll make you a Sumerian Sunrise."

Adelaide had heard of that drink, but she’d never tried it. She was looking forward to tasting it, to find out if it tasted as good as it looked.

He poured the drink in front of her, and tapped the glass, setting off the show of colours.

She smiled and took up the glass.

“You don’t look particularly surprised."

“I’ve seen it before,” she explained. “Never tried it myself."

As she drank, he asked, “So how is it?"

“Mm,” she said, "good."

“So how is it you’ve seen a Sumerian Sunrise but never tasted one?"

“Friends in the Federation often frequented bars. Sometimes they would order it."

“And you never did?"

“Perhaps 'friend' is too strong a word. They were just somewhere to spend my time. I’ve never been much of a friend, or a drinker."

“So what changed your mind?"

“Circumstances,” said Adelaide. “New station, new beginning. Where I was before, I don’t think anyone actually saw me. I used to be as quiet as this guy,” she said, nudging her head towards an alien seated a few seats to her right."

“Silent as Morn?” asked the Ferengi. “I doubt it."

“Seriously, I’ve come a long way. And now I’m here."

“At _this_ dump?"

She raised her eyebrow.

“The station,” said the Ferengi. “Why come here?"

“Because no one knows me here. Fresh start, as I said."

“You must’ve done something terrible, wherever you were before."

“Not really,” she said. “I just hated the place I was in, the people there."

“You really weren’t their friend."

Adelaide smirked to herself, but said nothing.  
Mid-way through her second Sunrise, the Ferengi asked, “So is that why you hate Root Beer? Most Federation officers love the stuff."

“No, I just hate it. My uncle served me some once, but it was disgusting. Haven’t touched the stuff since. As for most Federation liking it, that’s because most Federation are American. That’s a country on Earth,” she explained. "Americans love Root Beer; Australians don’t."

“So I suppose you’re Australian, then?” asked the Ferengi.

“Yeah. My uncle was American, though. I visited him after I moved there."

“Moved there? To America, land of the Root Beer?"

Her smile grew wider. “Had no choice. There’s a Starfleet in Australia, but most of us are ultimately sent to America."

“I don’t see what’s so great about Starfleet,” complained the Ferengi.

“Drink to that," said a Cardassian, who suddenly sat down on her immediate left. He ordered a Kanar.

She took in his appearance for a moment. He was tall, thin, and had especially wide neck ridges. His eyes were clear and intelligent, but his expression was haughty and his legs were crossed.

He caught her staring. Then he took in her Starfleet logo and science blues. “I suppose you have something to say to me about it,” he said impatiently.

“No,” she said.

“No?” he repeated. “That’s not like the Federation. You all love to shove your ideals in everyone’s face."

“Not me,” said Adelaide. “Yes, I believe in Federation ideals. No, I would never want to force them on anyone."

"That’s news to me. The Federation is always trying to recruit every planet they can find into the Federation."

“Cardassians colonise planets too, don’t they?” said Adelaide.

“That is different. Our colonisations are there to serve the Union. We aren’t required to serve them."

“No,” said Adelaide. “I suppose the Federation would rather be equals with other species. We seek out consent, that’s the big difference. I understand not everyone’s the same. Everyone should be entitled to their beliefs. I like to keep an open mind to other cultures. No matter how much their beliefs differ from mine."

“Including Cardassian culture?"

“Of course."

The Cardassian smiled at her. “How refreshing,” he said. “Most Federation don’t seem to appreciate it much."

“That’s a shame."

"Why don’t you share a Kanar with me?"

So she did. They argued, about the Federation, about Cardassia, about their cross-cultural differences, and about their perspective on each others’ cultures. Adelaide soon learned that this Cardassian loved to talk about himself. But he was polite, and charming, and soon the drink got to her, because she was leaning in, touching him, laughing before he could even deliver his jokes.

And then he said, “Perhaps we should adjourn somewhere quieter. Your quarters, perhaps?"

Adelaide became aware she was stroking his neck ridges, eyeing the shapes of his features. Her cheeks were burning. Sober me would refuse, she thought. But she wanted this. So she giggled and agreed.

She took his arm as he led her from the bar. She pointed the way for him, trusting the Cardassian who was holding her upright.

Once inside her quarters, he seated her at a table. She clung to him, and then he kindly extricated himself from her long enough to walk over to the Replicator and order a water. He put it down in front of her and ordered her to drink.

As she did, he sat next to her and waited. She gave him a small smile.

“Quark tends to get offended if you drink water in front of him,” said the Cardassian.

“Is that why you brought me here? To give me water?"

“That, and to get to know you a little better, away from the noise," said the Cardassian, touching her hand.

“I’m sure you did."

“Honestly,” he said. “You are a fascinating woman. A veritable mystery.” He gazed deep into his eyes, the clear blue seeming to penetrate her thoughts.

She forced herself to drink more, to speed her sobriety; she was only too aware, by the intensity of the moment, how out of the ordinary this was for her.

“I’m glad I met you tonight. You have shown me that not all Federation are so condescending."

“You could give them a run for their money, I’m sure. You seem pretty haughty yourself."

“I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression of me,” he said. “I want only to be respected, as an equal."

“Don’t we all?"

Adelaide straightened up, regaining her senses a little, and met the electricity in his gaze.

“But you respect me, don’t you?" he said.

She put her hand over his.

"Yes."

She blushed and turned away.

“More than that,” he spoke the words for her.

“Yes,” she repeated, not looking at him.

“Did you truly find me attractive?"

She looked at him now. Roving her eyes over those svelte Cardassian features that had drawn her in earlier, she answered honestly. "Yes."

Taking another drink, she used her other hand and lowered her glass onto the table, watching him.  
 _I am in control_ , she told herself. Yet, her body was humming with these feelings for him too. She wanted to touch him, to explore his alien body.

If she did give into those desires, she knew she was under no obligation to promise him anything apart from that. So she kissed him, and he let her. He allowed her to draw him in, bringing both of them to their feet, and leading him towards the bed. 

She gently threw him down onto it, and he sat on the edge, bedroom eyes staring up at her. Lowering herself into his lap, she kissed him again. In another moment, he flipped her over and pressed her down onto the bed.

Her brown hair spanned out onto the mattress, and she flipped the hair still touching her neck up with the rest of it. He looked down at her hungrily, and laid down of top of her, covering her body with his and capturing her lips as she wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer.

When he pulled back, she dragged her legs even further up his back, catching on the bottom of his chest plate as she realised that his hips were perfectly aligned with hers, and he pushed them softly against her. She throbbed and tingled in anticipation.

Looking back up at him as his eyes roved over her body, she watched him closely as he slowly zipped open her jacket, then her top, revealing her standard-issue black bra. There was curiosity and desire shining in his eyes, and the feeling was mutual. For a moment, he stopped staring long enough to run his grey hands over the soft fabric of her bra, fondling the breasts that lay beneath. Then he unhooked the bra and fondled her again, fascinated with the change in texture.

He threw her bra to the ground, with the rest of her clothes.

“Now you,” she said, sitting up slightly so she could remove his armour. After a few moments, with his guidance, she found the latches and unclasped them, letting his chest plate clatter to the ground.

“I think I like that sound."

Running her hands up his chest, she relished the feeling of smooth scales under her touch, and the curious mounds she found in place of nipples as she stroked them.

Equipped with some knowledge, although it was incomplete, of Cardassian anatomy, she was pleasantly surprised when those mounds retracted and revealed soft pink nipples.

At her touch, the Cardassian suddenly reacted with intense pleasure, moaning as she stroked his nipples.

“No wonder you must protect them…" she muttered. She pushed him back a little, so he was sitting up in her lap. Then she bent down to kiss one of the peaks, before she proceeded to take it into her mouth and suck.

He arched against her, and she sucked harder. His moans came in more heavy, panting and deep. She added a tongue, and swirled it around the peak as she sucked, and he panted more shallowly.

She moved to his other peak and repeated the action. Then she sat up further and kissed his lips hungrily.

When he pulled away from her, he laid her out properly on the bed, with her head against the pillow. Then he zipped open her pants, sliding them, along with her black underwear, sensually down her legs, exposing her soft thighs and the sensitive area between them to him.

Running a hand along the crease of her legs and the burning flesh of her thighs, he groped her, and she let him. All that delicious _heat_ …

His fingers soon slid between her legs and found her clitoris, then caressed it. “Ah,” she moaned, and stretched her legs wider.

He smirked down at her. “Ah, I see…” he said, and continued to stimulate her.

Wet enough so that his fingers moved easily around her clitoris, she moaned as he added another hand, and started to explore her vagina. As soon as his fingers entered her, the sensation doubled, and she spread her legs wider as his fingers filled her.

"Ah… _ah_ … oh, fuck… oh, yes… oh, please…"

“Hm?” said the Cardassian. “Please? Please what?"

"Please… fuck me…"

Cringing at herself, she fought with herself. Fingering her was one thing. But fucking her, that was something else. But she would be lying if she said wasn't aching with need. She just wanted him inside her.

“You want me to fuck you?" he teased.

“Fuck me…” she repeated, unable to stop herself from saying it again. She pressed her hips slowly forward. “Fuck me…"

“Well, if you insist…"

He stood up to remove his pants, revealing that he had already everted, and laid down on top of her, lining himself up to her entrance.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she smiled involuntarily. Her face burned up. What was she doing? 

She didn’t normally do this. She didn’t want to stop what was happening, either. Normally, if he planned to fuck her unprotected, she always imagined she would have to force herself to end this immediately. Push him off, walk away… 

But right now, she couldn’t. She didn’t even want to.  
As he pressed down that sensitive spot in the rim of her clitoris, she cried out. Her legs widened again, and her hips bucked, so that just the tip of his cock dipped into her vagina.

She whined.

Finally, he slid himself into her, and she cried out as the heat seemed to fill her entire body, sending blood to the surface of her skin and pushing her body into overdrive. She hated how even during this she relished the sensation, hated how she loved the way he filled the empty space, and pushed him further inside her. She relished the feeling of his cock as it pressed against every inch of the soft walls of her vagina. She loved the way he slid into her.

She had always resented the way some women allowed men to get them pregnant, as if it was so easy to resist. But even as she thought of fighting for control, her body betrayed her, writhing and bucking and pushing him in further.

As she throbbed around him, she tightened around his length. It felt wet, and alien, and marvellous inside her. She had never experienced anything so strange, and wonderful. 

So she stopped fighting it.

He bottomed out a shorter distance inside her than she expected. She wondered, maybe he was too short to impregnate her. Or maybe he had a nasty surprise waiting for her.

Yet when he did little more than grind against her, her physical frustration drove out any sensible thoughts, and she writhed against him, beginning to buck her hips more insistently. She just wanted him to _move_.

He looked at her strangely. “What are you doing?" 

“Need… friction…" 

When he still looked confused, she grabbed his hips and pushed them back. Then she grabbed his ass and pulled him forward.

Understanding and uncertainty dawned on his features. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t hurt you?"

“Oh, _now_ you’re acting shy? Come _on_ , fuck me!"

So he began thrusting.

With a cry of pleasure, she threw her head back as he stimulated her, ramping up her desire as he hit that sweet spot inside of her again and again. She began panting, and moaning, and as if on their own accord, she spread her legs wider, aching for more.

Yet he went slow, he was gentle. It was as if he thought she was made of paper. 

“Harder, harder… Fuck me harder!” 

He adjusted his movements to meet her demands. He had to try out a few different angles before she found the one that worked. Then she cried out in pleasure as she let him pound her.

She shut her eyes. This felt so good. 

Who knew it was so easy to be seduced? She had never thought it would be like this.

Throbbing around him as he slipped in and out, getting hotter as he pumped his cock into her. She cried out as he struck particularly hard, or deep, or fast inside her.  
She knew she was close, she could feel it.

It would be impossible now to stop this. Her body was too resistant to the idea.

"Ah… ah… ah… ah… I’m coming…"

He pushed himself hard into her and she cried out as he filled her up. It was surprising how hard he came into her, and how much he filled her.

But she had never actually fucked a Cardassian before, so she couldn’t have known how it really felt to have one come inside her.

Slowly, he pulled out, looking wholly unconcerned. Grinning back at her, he stroked a hand down the side of her face. 

“Now that we’re lovers―”

“We’re not lovers."

“No?” he said. He gestured between them. “Then what do you call this?"

“A one-night stand. We had sex one time, that doesn’t make us lovers."

“I disagree ―”

“You can disagree all you like. This isn’t happening again."

He put up his hands. “I thought we were indulging our mutual curiosity."

“We were. But I’m not really a commitments-type girl."

"Understood."

Pleasantly surprised by his understanding, she curled into him and rested her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her.

She woke with him a while later still beside him and the lights up. She said nothing but heaved him off to the side, stood from the bed, and walked naked from the room. He woke at the loss of her, eyeing her backside as she went.

Entering the kitchen, she went to the replicator to order morning-after pills. She entered Dr Bashir’s prescription code, knowing that she wasn’t allowed to use her own for personal use, and immediately dry-swallowed the pill.

Then she returned to the doorway to the bedroom, and looked down at the man tangled up in the sheets, smiling up at her.

She smirked back at him, pleased with herself. She was reluctant to kick him out; he was so pretty, lying there. But this was just sex, nothing more.

“See ya."

He refused to get up for at least half an hour, instead dragging her back to the bed to cuddle. 

She let him. But then at the end of it, she reasserted herself, and he got up, got dressed, and lingered at the exit until she gave him a kiss, then left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adelaide allows Dukat to continue to fuck her. However, doing so means struggling with her own inner sense of self-hatred.

During the Occupation, Gul Dukat had often found intimacy in the arms of Bajoran women. With a little offered kindness, he could mould his women to be passive partners, willing to obey his word as well as share his bed. Any outsider might call it manipulation; Gul Dukat called it a relationship.

Adelaide Damon, a Starfleet officer aboard the former Cardassian station of Terok Nor, was one of those naysayers. And yet, without realising it, she had invited Gul Dukat into her bed. She knew the man was a Cardassian of course, but she had not recognised him when she had taken him back to her quarters.

When she learned his name, her attitude completely changed. 

“ _Gul Dukat_? Of all the Cardassians I could’ve slept with... you had to be the worst Bajoran oppressor who has ever disgraced this station?"

He stood framed in the doorway when she knocked his arm down and stormed in.

Turning to follow her, he closed the door behind him.

“Why do you care? You’re not Bajoran."

“I care, because I have spent my whole life...” she said, “fighting against oppression. I hate oppressors, any oppressors, all oppressors, and I hate you."

“I am a Cardassian,” said Dukat. “By our nature, we are rulers over lesser beings ―"

“No,” said Adelaide, “no, you’re not. Not all Cardassians are ― I know that even in Cardassia, you have got orphans starving in the street; you’ve got ordinary citizens, oppressed minorities. I don’t blame those people at all for their condition; I do blame you, and others like you for not allowing them to live free from tyranny, derision or ruin."

“You are not Cardassian. How do you know so much about the state of my planet?"

"I'm a doctor, I go where I’m needed. I saw it first-hand. Besides, you’re hardly unique in your history of oppression; there was a time in Earth’s history when white people, humans with a complexion similar to mine, oppressed and enslaved black people, humans with a complexion similar to Captain Sisko's."

“No wonder Sisko was always so set against me,” mused Dukat. “What a curious history you humans have. Your civil wars, your betrayal of each other."

“Oh, like you’re any different. How about you Cardassians and the Hebitians?"

“How curious,” said Dukat. “You would not know that by simply visiting my planet as a doctor. How is it you came by this information?"

“I have eclectic tastes,” said Adelaide.

“Clearly, you are full of surprises,” said Dukat.

“That is all in the past. It’s not as if humans in the modern age have ever personally witnessed those petty wars, unless the Federation have discovered some power of time travel that I don’t know about. But that history is still a part of us, like your planet’s history is part of you. Maybe, despite our differences in appearance, some similarity in our histories even connects us. Some dark secret in our DNA..."

"A secret that we share," purred Dukat, stepping into her space. He took her hand, and kissed it.

A shiver of revulsion ran through her, but there was one shameful part of her that took pleasure in his attention. She had to fight it.

"You have this need to always be superior, but you’re not. If anything, you’re inferior; stable races don’t tend to oppress others in order to survive. You call your whole race superior, as a tactic to bolster your ego. And it’s simply not true."

“And I suppose you believe Humans are superior?"

“It’s not ― that’s not how this works. There is no superior or inferior, there’s just difference. It’s a difference I’m very interested in. What I’m saying is if inferiority did exist, you’d be it."

“If you truly didn’t believe that anyone could be inferior, you would’ve never made that claim. Admit it, you are just as aware of some people’s inherent inferiority as I am."

"No."

“So you still won’t admit it?” said Dukat. “Do you truly see the Bajorans as equal to you? Despite their foolish belief in gods, despite their unstable minds and their inferior bodies, despite their lack of finesse and appreciation for true art?"

“Inferior is relative. Inferior at what, withstanding the heat of deserts or ore mining facilities? Yet, when it comes to the cold, your Cardassian body is the inferior one."

“If inferiority is so relative,” said Dukat, “then your assessment of my supposed inferiority must be based on something, too. What is it? Do you suppose I’m inferior at what you Federation types do best, making platitudes about the equality of all aliens rather than facing the truth of the universe? If so, then yes, I am guilty of refusing to follow such idealistic but misguided values." 

"You also talked about true art,” said Adelaide, refusing to rise to the bait. "Who defines what art is true, you? Art is there to be appreciated, to be interpreted by diverse perspectives. It isn’t there to be judged, it’s there to make a statement. There is no objective truth in it. 

"Only those in power say what statement is to be made and allows no other. At least, on your planet, they do. But yet other statements exist to be made, and outsiders in your society make them whether they’re allowed to or not. And when your society rejects them, they come to us to say it, because they are damned by your society. The Federation publishes more off-world art than Earth art these days, because we understand the need for diversity. Because we don’t judge, or suppress ―” 

“You do, you’re just too full of Federation dogma to see it."

“What a joke. You judging _us_ for our practises? We embrace banned work more than any other warp-capable species ―” 

“Yet you would judge us. You would judge the Cardassian Union, and look your noses down at us? You would turn us into a joke, when it’s really you who can’t see your own hypocrisy. I have been called evil more times than I can count, not just by the Bajorans, but by the Federation, too. Yet I am a hero on my own world ―” 

“You _are_ evil ―” 

"If I am so evil in your eyes," said Dukat, "then you would surely have spotted it when we first met. I have been perfectly pleasant to you, haven’t I?"

"That is totally conditional. So long as I’m not what you’d call inferior. But you don’t treat everyone like that. I am not so foolish, or arrogant, as to think I can see it plainly, when I know evil hides."

“Then how do you know I’m evil now?” 

“You’re _Gul Dukat_. I know what you’ve done."

“Is that enough?"

“It is for me."

She turned to leave, but he caught her wrist. She looked up at him.

“What would you do with me?” he asked. “Would you kill me, if you had me on your doctors table?"

“I swore to do no harm,” she said. “Besides, if I did that, I’d be no better than you."

She waited for him to release her. He didn’t.

“You’re only proving my point, trying to keep me here.”

“You haven’t answered my question. What would you do with me?" 

“If I… had you on my table?”

“If you had me,” said Dukat.

That was quite a thought. What would she do with him?

“But I don’t,” she said. “Not anymore.” 

“Indulge me."

“Frankly,” she said, “I’ve indulged you enough. If you want me to indulge your desires, if you’re looking to use me to justify your acts by denying even the mere existence of evil, as evil men are wont to do, you’ll be disappointed. I won’t play your game.” 

“I want nothing of the sort,” said Dukat.

“Then what?" 

Dukat let her go, moving in close, forcing her head up to maintain eye contact. “Tell me what you want of me."

He took her hand, caressing the back of it.

“Don’t,” she said.

"Please."

“I’m not doing this." 

“Tell me."

"No."

“Why not?”

“Because,” she said. “It is a doctor's job to practice empathy as much as we practice medicine. But, I couldn’t bare it, to extend empathy to you."

"It is no wonder you're drawn to me," said Dukat. "You have such an open heart as to fall for anybody." 

"Don’t come at me like that. I have values."

"Values that either aren't worth standing up for, or that align with mine."

"That's not true," Adelaide said.

Dukat kissed her hand. "I look forward to learning what's in that beautiful mind of yours."

She closed her eyes, shook her head. No, no this couldn't be happening. She couldn't possibly have anything in common with him, could she?

Finally, she struggled to make words. “I’m not… like you. I’m not."

“Shh,” he said.

“No, stop it. You are not right. There is a difference between you and me."

“Mm? And what’s that?"

“I have never oppressed a whole people. I listen to them, believe them, try to help them. I would never hurt them."

“Neither would I."

“You have. And you would do it again. All for Cardassia. That level of patriotism is dangerous. It leads to xenophobia, acts of cruelty, and an us versus them mentality. That’s why you think you’re superior: you have tricked yourself into the illusion that they are different, underneath you, malevolent. Your so-called love means nothing when it’s borne out of such hate."

“They _are_ malevolent. I gave them everything, and they still destroyed us. They are dangerous."

“You didn’t give them everything, and they certainly didn’t destroy you. Cardassia lives. You only gave them scraps of freedom from your cruelty. No one can live on scraps, not forever. Eventually they get hungry. And the hungrier they get, the more desperately they fight. That’s why the Occupation didn’t work. And it’s why your so-called leniency only made them fight harder. It gave them hope that if they kept fighting you, they would wear you down."

“If only such foresight had occurred to me at the time."

“I’m glad it didn’t. They deserve their freedom."

“Would you also wish to be free from me?” asked Dukat, stepping close enough to feel his heat.

"Y-yes."

“Liar,” he said, stroking a hand up her spine. "You’re hungry for something yourself, aren’t you, Adelaide? Oh, not anything like what the Bajorans wanted, not freedom."

“You haven’t done anything to me."

“Not anything you didn’t want, anyway,” said Dukat. “You wanted me then. You still want me now."

God, she hated him.

“It was never meant to be like this. Perhaps I was looking to explore my own nature through exploring your body, but I never meant to dredge up anything so evil in myself as you are. You want to talk about betrayal, why did you never tell me who you are?"

“It didn’t seem to matter at the time,” hummed Dukat, "we were both having such a good time: discovering each other’s unique physiology, engaging in a cross-cultural exchange of information, teaching each other how best to please each other..."

“Okay, stop,” said Adelaide, taking a step back and pulling his hand from her back. She crossed her arms self-consciously over her chest, raising one forearm to cup her cheek in a vain attempt to calm the furious heat that had sprung up there. 

“Let me back into your bed, Adelaide,” said Dukat. "Surely you’re not going to let such a minor detail as my identity ruin such an ideal setup? You enjoyed my touch well enough before. I know I can please you; I know you want to let me. Surely there’s no one else who could please you as well as I?"

“There’s no one else at all."

“So it’s agreed."

“But you’re Gul Dukat. I hate you; I hate everything you stand for. I hate anyone who would oppress anyone else. If I do this...” 

She hesitated. "I have to warn you, right now, that I can’t promise to take your side in anything you might ask me to. I don’t promise loyalty, faithfulness, or even that I’ll like you. I don’t open myself easily to others. It would be purely physical." She breathed. "As much as I am loathe to admit it... you’re right. I am tempted. I don’t get this much. Touch. Sex. Intimacy. I have no one else to turn to for this. As much as I absolutely hate myself for this..."

“So you’ll agree to invite me back to your bed." 

Adelaide sighed, closing her eyes in frustration. _God, I hate myself, hate myself, hate myself..._ Closing the distance between them before she could change her mind, she kissed Dukat on the lips. 

A moment before she broke it off, she felt Dukat pressing his lips into hers, pulling her face closer to his. Then she pulled away.

“Yes,” she whispered. “It’s a yes."

He walked over to the bed, sat down and patted it beside him. “Then come back to bed."

With a sigh, she walked over to it and joined him.

Tentatively, she reached out and touched his leg. He let her. Encouraged by his smile, she leaned in and kissed him. He kissed her back and pulled her into his arms.  
Wrapping her arms around him, she felt the warm relief of someone she was allowed to touch, who didn’t revile her, or didn’t begrudge her for feeling desire or for believing she was wanted. Because right now, just this once, she was.

She didn’t know how she did it, but she was able to face the station, all those eyes, the following morning. She returned to her quarters, got ready, and went in to work. 

Nobody looked at her any differently. _They don’t know_ , she thought to herself. _They don’t need to know. None of them ever need to know._

She told herself, _I did this for me. I need this, just for a little while…_ A part of her even believed it.

Later that day, she saw Dukat walk along the upper level of the Promenade. He stopped her against the railing with a hand to her shoulder.

“No,” she said. “Not here, not in public. People don’t know."

“Quark knows. I guarantee you it won’t stay with him. But more importantly ―”

“ _More importantly_?” retorted Adelaide. “Oh, I’m sorry, is there something more important to you than my reputation?"

“Oh, is that what you’re worried about? Nothing more than your reputation? You told me that you hated me ―”

“I _do_ hate you―”

“But those beliefs you told me about, or your feelings about what I’ve done, don’t matter so much to you, after all. You’re worried about your _reputation_ ―”

“―On a Bajoran station. Besides, reputation is important to you Cardassians too, isn’t it? So you should understand ―”

“I do. But you left me with the impression that you considered yourself above me―”

“Of course I’m not. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I was. I told you about human history, how we were ―”

“But you’ve evolved."

“Have you evolved, has Cardassia evolved? Does anyone ever evolve? We are all isolated from our own histories, from what they mean, because our lives have changed too much to truly understand why we had to change. So we continue to make the same mistakes. Just like I am now."

Dukat leaned into her, backing her into the railing. “You have an insightful mind,” he said.

Something pressed into her leg. She looked down.

“Is that your prUt?"

“Such poetic language."

“What do _you_ call it? Oh no, don’t tell me. You’re one of those macho men that call it a Cho'Ch, aren’t you? Oh, I bet you are, Military Man."

“Is this man bothering you?"

She turned to her right and found herself staring into the face of Kira Nerys. She had to resist staring at the rest of her body. Suddenly, she blushed in humiliation at the position she found herself in with Dukat.

Looking at Kira, she could tell what she thought: that Adelaide was just a victim, that Dukat was sexually harassing her, and Adelaide wanted to be able to think that he was. But the truth of the matter was, she secretly liked his advances. Just not here.

But staring into Kira’s face, she felt tremendously guilty about this; she felt like she was a bad person. A Bajoran, a former victim of the Occupation, and a former victim of Dukat no doubt, was staring back at her as if she and Adelaide were just alike. With a rush of shame, Adelaide knew they weren’t. And she didn’t want Kira to hate her.

So she merely played along. 

“Yes,” said Adelaide, “he is bothering me." She gave Kira the ‘help me’ eyes, then looked away, not having to fake the embarrassment she felt.

Kira pulled off Dukat from her. “That’s enough, Dukat, you are not to harass the women on this station, you got that? Come on, I’m taking you to Odo."

Dukat resisted as she pulled on his arm. “That is, if this woman is pressing charges."

“Well, of course she’s pressing charges. Isn’t that right?” said Kira, turning to Adelaide.

She didn’t want this entering the system. If it ever came out why Dukat was harassing her on this station, she’d never live it down.

"Well…” she said, and Kira looked horrified. “Not this time,” she said, reluctantly. “But if he ever tries it again…"

“This man was _harassing_ you,” said Kira.

“Yeah, I know. But…" 

Kira threw her hands off Dukat’s arm. She didn’t look happy, but she knew better than to argue. “I’m keeping an eye on you,” she told Dukat, and stormed off.

“Not in public,” Adelaide repeated, and stormed off in the opposite direction.

***

She didn’t see him until that night, when he stormed into her room and slammed her against the wall.

“You almost sent me to jail,” he said.

“Almost,” she said. “You deserved it. This isn’t for prying eyes to see. This is just for us. Not that this is happening again."

“You can fool the Major, but you can’t fool me. You want me."

“I hate you."

“But you want me,” said Dukat, and kissed her; gently, but growing in intensity.

And goddamn her, she kissed him back. Because he was right: she may hate him, but she also liked this, liked him kissing her, liked him touching her, liked biting his neck and kissing his mouth. She liked him pressing her into the wall, she liked pulling him against her. She liked touching his ridges, stroking them, biting them, kissing them, sucking them.

She did all of this, ignoring all the hatred that seeped from her as she squeezed him too hard, sunk her nails into his flesh, bit those scales hard enough to draw blood. She used his body to distract her from it.

And he loved it. He moaned and held her tighter and smiled. He pulled her shirt over her head and kissed her, and for a second she felt him flush against her, as she throbbed in anticipation.

She knew it was getting dangerous now. She was not going to do what she had last time.

So she forced herself to push him away.

"Condoms?"

"Replicator."

She snuck out from underneath him, and made her way down the wall towards it. At her word, a single condom materialised. 

Dukat approached and picked it up. He looked at her and smiled. “I was right,” he said, pressing her again into the wall with his pelvis. That really drove her crazy. “You want me."

“Shut up and fuck me."

That self-hatred of what she was doing was resurfacing again, so she needed to push it down. The last thing she wanted to hear was him talking. Especially if he was bragging.

“Undress me,” Dukat said, holding that condom up above his head.

So she did. He moved with her so that she could take everything off, and soon he stood naked before her.

“Put it on," she said with a smirk.

They both looked down, to see that slick head emerging from his ajan. She wrapped a fist around it as it slid slowly out, coating her hand. Once it was fully everted, she removed her hand and allowed Dukat to open the packet and roll on the condom. Then it lit up, white lines that bent into right angles reminiscent of computer circuits covering its surface. 

He was ready.

She slid her fist over his Cho’Ch again, and coated up the condom with his own slick. Then she zipped open her Starfleet shirt and threw it on the floor with a teasing smile.

Pulling her against him, he reached around her back and unclasped her bra. Then he pulled it off and took in the sight of her bare breasts, all alabaster skin and pointed pink nipples. He took them in both of his hands and squeezed. He teased the nipples, nipping and sucking them.

"Ah!"

“Mm, sensitive, are we?"

“Yes, of course I’m sensitive there. They’re my nipples."

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled. “There just so… there. So human… unprotected and unabashed."

“Yeah, alright, just be… careful with them. Please don’t bite them."

“Is that something I would do?” he teased, and gently licked and sucked them instead.

As Dukat pressed her against the wall with one knee between her legs, she pressed herself into his knee, as he stimulated her nipples and his hands wandered lower to undo her pants.

Letting her grind against him a moment longer, he pulled off from her tit to remove his knee and pull down her pants along with her underwear. Wasting no time, he groped her thighs, then her hips, and lined himself up.

She parted her legs, eager to let him in. She was already so wet, he slipped right in.

Glowing white lines were soon replaced with blue as he entered her, and the AI was activated so the natural heat of his cock was toned down just enough to stimulate her without overheating her.

As his cock sunk deep into her, she clenched around him. 

"Ah… ah…” she breathed.

She pressed forward, arching into him. “Ah,” she cried as he bottomed out, and began thrusting. She rutted against him as he penetrated her, sensation taking her over, needing more.

"Oh… oh, yes… fuck me…"

He pressed her into the wall, kissing her neck as he fucked her. As her legs spread further apart, he lifted her knees and pinned her against the wall with the weight of his body. 

Wrapping her legs around him, she held him tight as he lifted her up the wall and she felt every thrust now vibrating throughout her body.

The friction was intoxicating, and she gasped and panted as her heartrate sped up. She shuddered as he fucked her, his cock dragging against her insides wonderfully.

"Yes… yes… fuck me… fuck me…"

She gasped as he bit into her neck, and grasped him tighter in her arms. 

“Ah,” she moaned in surprise. But slowly, it dawned on her that she liked the pain of his bite. It hurt for just a moment, before she realised it heightened her sexual pleasure.

He bit her again. " _Ah_ ," she groaned, this time embracing both pain and pleasure. She squeezed her eyes shut and her face turned red.

As he fucked her and bit her, she throbbed and shook, her nerves threatening to overwhelm her.

"Ah… _ah_ … fuck me… _fuck me_ …”

Thrusting harder and faster into her, he unravelled her. Her voice increased in pitch and volume as he fucked her. He penetrated her deep, and she shuddered and shook around him until she came hard. He soon came right after her.

Still throbbing after he slipped out of her, he let her down, and she leaned back against the wall, regaining her breath.

Recovering, she wandered naked into the main room. Dukat was in front of the replicator, disposing of the condom, when he turned and caught her staring out of the window.

"Adelaide?"

She didn’t respond.

“What is it, what’s the matter?"

“Nothing, really. I just hate myself, that’s all. It’s natural."

“It most certainly is _not_ natural,” he said, coming to stand by her side, holding her shoulders from behind. Both still naked, they stared out at the stars together. “Why do you hate yourself?"

“Come on, do you really have to ask that?"

“Because of me?"

She sighed. “It isn’t _just_ because of you, but it’s certainly a contributing factor. The truth is, I’ve always been like this. People like Sisko, the other uppers in Starfleet, they’re always saying how certain behaviour, behaviour like this for example, is ‘unworthy of a Starfleet officer’. We’re supposed to be better. But the truth is, I’m not better, and I never have been. I was treated always like an outsider, and it made me petty and vindictive in the same stroke that it made me nice and empathetic. I’m very good at appearing nice while acting passive-aggressively. I’m very good at relating to people while pushing them away. I entered this institution with the intention of bettering myself, but the truth is I’m the same selfish, angry bitch that I’ve always been.

"By sleeping with you, I am betraying every Bajoran on this station, every Bajoran on the planet below, every Bajoran that lived and died while you presided over them. I carry the weight of all your crimes on my back, and I don’t know if I can withstand all of that."

“Starfleet moves through the world as if it alone knows the secret of life,” said Dukat. “It demands perfection from all its citizens, and that just isn’t possible. Most people aren’t paragons of virtue; they are messy, and full of contradictions."

“Like you?"

“Yes, like me,” said Dukat. “People like us just have no place in their world.” He kissed her shoulder.

“How do you manage it?” she said. “How do you manage not to hate yourself? How do you avoid internalising everything they say?"

“You tell yourself a different story,” he replied. “One you can believe in."

“One in which you can do no wrong?" said Adelaide. “How convenient for you."

“It’s better than hating yourself, isn’t it?"

She didn’t answer. For a moment, she just stood in silence, weighing the two options. “I don’t know,” she finally admitted. “Maybe it is."

“You do know,” said Dukat, “don’t you?”

“No, I don’t,” she repeated. “How can you simply switch off the voices in your head, the ones that that make you wonder if they’re right?"

“I simply don’t allow myself to listen to them."

“I tried that, too. I was angry when I first heard the things people said to me, or about me. But that didn’t stop it seeping in somehow. I know I can’t be the only one. You tell yourself you don’t care, that they mean nothing to you. But the opposite is true: you live a life yearning for understanding, or even just a little respect. But you never know if you truly have it."

He wrapped his arms around her, pressing himself into her back. “You’re right,” he said, “you’re not the only one."

For a long moment, they stood in silence, staring out of the window. When at last they pulled apart and Adelaide again told him to dress and leave, he put up no resistance.

Once he’d left, she looked herself in the mirror. Knowing exactly who had been inside her, she covered herself up and allowed only a few tears to fall.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adelaide and Dukat fall into a pattern, but suspicion is brought onto them from one Julian Bashir.

And so began the pattern: she would toss him out, and he’d always come back; and she’d always let him in again. 

It was a mark of mutual curiosity that she did, at first.  
One night, as they lay naked in bed together, she laid herself out facing the opposite end of the bed to read. Idly, she stretched her legs against the bed, pushing her ass up. She could feel it as her wet asshole was exposed to the air.

“Oh. What is this?” Dukat said.

Adelaide turned back to look at him. "…My asshole?"

“Asshole,” he repeated curiously. He climbed on top of her and dipped the tip of his Cho'Ch in, and out. “How kinky."

She jolted up at the feeling of his cock inside her, stretching her out. Confusion filled her for a moment as she adjusted to what was happening.

“Kinky?" she asked, barely able to say more than that. 

"To be fucked in more than one hole,” explained Dukat, as his Cho’Ch slid further inside her, surprisingly easily.

"What, do Cardassian women not like getting fucked in the ass?"

“Cardassian women don’t have assholes. Nor do the men. We just have the one hole,” he said.

"Oh." 

It wasn’t clear if that ‘oh’ was a response to information or pleasure from what he was doing inside her. But one thing was clear: she needed a serious crash course in sexual Cardassian biology. She was clearly a bit rusty.

“What about human women?” asked Dukat.

"What?"

“Do they like getting fucked in the ass?" 

“Oh. Not generally,” she answered. “I mean, sometimes. Not many of them like it. Men do. That is to say, men often want to fuck women in the ass, but they don’t often want to be fucked in the ass. Unless they’re attracted to other men, sometimes. But it’s not like women don’t like to be fucked in the ass, it’s just not common that they like to, either…" 

“Do _you_ like it?"

Her hole was slick. As his cock slid against the walls of her hole, it felt satisfying.

“Yes,” she breathed.

He pushed himself deep into her.

“Oh!” she cried in alarm, and dropped the Padd. Recovering from the shocking sensation, she took a breath and said, “You know, the anus is more delicate than the vagina. So you’ll have to be more careful. Pretend I’m a Cardassian woman."

“So, no thrusting?"

“Mm. We’ll see."

As he continued to slide into her, she found herself more wet than she had anticipated; he slid so easily into her that it was hard to believe that all of it came from her ass.

It had to be from his natural juices.

Still, she wanted to be cautious. “Start us out slow,” she said, once he had bottomed out. So he gave slow, languid thrusts. 

It felt good, but soon it wasn’t enough. “Mm, more,” she said, and he began to speed up.

By the end, he thrusted into her just as fast as he had the first time they’d fucked.

But it wasn’t enough just to fuck her. Afterward, he asked to see more of her. 

“Show me."

She laid on her back next to him. Smiling, she asked for his hand, and he gave it to her. She took his index finger and straightened it to a point. Then she lowered it towards her labia.

He lowered himself between her legs, so that he could look down at what she was showing him.

“First, here is my vulva,” she said, using his finger to encircle the whole area, stroking the outer edge of the sensitive flesh. "These outer flaps are my labia majora,” she said, stroking the underside, "and here inside are my labia minora," she stroked along the top, and then the sides, of the delicate structure. "Then here, _up here_ ,” she dragged his finger up to the hood at the top, "is my clitoris. You touch it and it stimulates me. Sexually."

So Dukat slid his finger into the hood and pressed it into the hollow of it. He twerked his finger around the inside.

“Ah,” she said. “Stop it, there’s more to show you."  
Instead, he circled his finger around the rim of her clitoris.

“Ah, ah, ah, okay that’s enough,” she said dragging his finger down from her clitoris, through the middle of her labia, to her vagina.

“The clitoris I understand,” he said, “Cardassian women have something similar, called a vit. But what is the labia for?"

“Protection. They enclose over the vulvar vestibule here,” she pushed the labia minora out of the way to stroke the delicate flesh beneath, "urethra here, not very sexual,” she pointed, “and here… Well, the vagina you already know…"

Briefly, he swirled his finger around the hole, and dipped it in, before allowing her to continue to guide him.

“Mm, before I move on…” she said, and guided his finger further into her vagina along particular pressure point, “ah, ah, this,” she said, running his finger along one particular point, “is my g-spot. It… ah, is connected to my clitoris. It… stimulates it…"

Intrigued, Dukat ran over spot several more times, experimenting by pressing harder and harder each time. Adelaide cried out more and more desperately, before she forced herself to drag his finger out before they started fucking again. She took a moment to calm her body back down, and then continued.

She dragged his finger a little further back and traced out a hard line, the border between the two sections with his finger. “This is the perineum; the line that separates the two sections. Since both holes contain different fluids, they can’t be mixed with each other.” So she wiped off the vaginal juices on his finger off on her pubes. Then she dragged it back, to her asshole. He dipped it back inside. “And this, as you know, is my asshole."

In wide circles, he dragged his finger around inside the rim. Then, without warning, removed it, positioning himself and impaling her on his Cho’Ch, its own natural fluid easing him in again.

She sighed and moaned as he entered her again, and she gave in to it.

Soon, she started to enjoy it. She wanted him, she liked fucking him, and after so many times she had just stopped thinking altogether about the moral implications of fucking a monster; she just did it, for her own personal satisfaction. She liked how that Cho'Ch felt inside her, how he reacted when she touched his ridges, how it felt to stroke his scales. She liked the physical comfort of his body, she liked getting fucked, and occasionally, how it felt to stroke the inside of his ajan. Just as she guided him through her sexual anatomy, he guided her through his; he guided her finger along the inside of his ajan, to the place where his Cho’Ch everts, and how to tease it out.

He even taught her the proper technique of how to suck his cock. She soon became accustomed to the taste of it, covered in ajan juices. She took him into her throat like she was throwing back drinks at the bar. She even stroked him with her tongue.

In public, they kept up their personas and fought each other, all the while fucking behind closed doors. Adelaide still sometimes hated herself whenever she did it with him, whether it was angry-fucking over something one of them had said in public, or gentle lovemaking as they each did their best to please each other after a long day.

Her denial of what they were melted quickly, and she adjusted to her new reality.

“Turn it up."

Adelaide turned and found Dukat, stepping naked into the shower with her. She took a moment to take in his exposed body as he stepped in beside her, sharing the heated sonic waves with her.

“It’s hot enough as it is."

“Come on, turn the heat up." 

“Get out."

"What?"

“It’s as hot as I can stand. If you want a hotter shower, use your own,” said Adelaide.

“Okay, okay,” said Dukat, “your way."

He moved behind her as she stood in line with the sonic waves, and began to massage her shoulders.

“What are you doing?"

“What do you think?” asked Dukat.

“You don’t have to."

“I _want_ to."

Adelaide turned around to face him. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing."

“And what may that be?"

The challenge gave her pause. She didn’t want to melt for him, wanted to resist him. But it was a bit too late for that, wasn’t it?

“I hate ―”

But she couldn’t say that, either. Could she really hate him? If all she felt was hate, they wouldn’t have gotten this far.

“You hate me?” said Dukat. “If that were true, you would’ve kicked me out of your shower by now."

It was true. But if this wasn’t hate, then what was it? Adelaide glared at Dukat, determined not to back down. 

He matched her look.

“I know what it means to you Cardassians,” said Adelaide, "you touching my shoulders."

“And what does it mean?"

He was really gonna make her say it. Well, she would rise to that challenge.

She stepped a little further into his space, pressing her hands into his neck ridges. Her gaze flittered over them as she rubbed the sensitive area, then up to his face as she stimulated him.

“It’s an act of intimacy,” said Adelaide.

Dukat opened his eyes and looked at her again. “Yes it is,” he said.

“You assume too much,” said Adelaide, staring up into his eyes.

“Do I?"

She leaned in. “I hate you."

“Do you?” said Dukat. “Then why are you touching me like that?” He slipped an arm around her, pulling her close. “Why are you so close?"

“You did that."

“Not just me."

“I hate you,” said Adelaide. “But not completely. That’s my problem. I hate you, and I’m drawn to you, and I admire you, and I hate it. I want to touch you." 

“Then touch me,” said Dukat.

“God I hate you."

She moved her hand up his neck ridge, until it pressed into the first three scales. 

He moaned.

Mouthing at his scales, she discovered it was the third one from the top eliciting these moans, and sucked on it hard.

Dukat grasped at her and pushed her into the wall. As she pulled away and stared up at him, he looked down at her hungrily.

The heat of the shower felt orgasmic as it built up on her skin. She pressed her body forward, moaning.  
He embraced her, kissing her lips and caressing her skin.

Giving in to him, she allowed him to push her back into the wall and do what he wanted to her.

What he chose to do was to press his body hard into her as he kissed her. Her hands roamed up from his hips to his ass, and squeezed. 

As he pressed himself into her, she felt him evert, and wrapped a hand around his wet Cho’Ch, moving it up and down through the slick juices.

Dukat hummed in satisfaction, and for a moment, Adelaide regretted the pleasure she was giving him. But when she thought about making him moan, she considered bringing him under her power. She thought about his moans as he submitted to her. And she smiled at the thought. 

“Mm?” asked Dukat.

"Nothing."

“Oh, no. Do share."

“You. On your knees."

He stuck his fingers in her vagina, moving them around. “And what would you do with me if I did?" 

“Damn you."

“Damn me? How would you damn me?"

The bastard. He was doing this on purpose. He was determined to hold onto power, and she had never truly been that assertive.

“Why don’t you find out?"

“I have a better idea. Why don’t you drop to your knees, and suck my cock?"

“That’s not going to happen."

“Then it seems there’s only one thing left to do…"

He captured her lips, and she drew him into an open-mouthed kiss, as he lifted up her leg and she eagerly wrapped it around his ass. He held her securely against the wall, as his Cho’Ch emerged and he lined himself up to enter her.

This time, she only felt a moment’s hesitation before that wet, alien cock slid inside her, and inch by inch, snaked its way fully inside her.

Clinging onto him, she used the leg wrapped around him to drag him in even closer. He smirked at the gesture and began to move inside her. She pulled him in just a little closer with every thrust, and soon she was laughing at the sheer absurdity of it; of doing this, with him of all people.

“What’s so funny?” he complained.

“Nothing,” she said, trying to repress her giggles.

“No, really. What?"

“It’s just… you. And me. I never would’ve thought I’d let you do this to me. I thought I hated you too much." 

“I don’t see what’s… funny about the situation,” Dukat managed between thrusts. "Am I a… joke to you?"

Adelaide tried shaking her head no, but she was afraid it only looked like a response to the stimulation.

“Then what?"

She tried to shut him up by driving him even harder inside of her. At first, all she succeeded in doing was shutting herself up; no longer able to speak, she moaned wantonly, and drove her nails into his shoulders. Soon, his moans had joined hers, and he moved faster inside her, chasing climax.

With neither now able to speak, they each gave into the moment, and simply moved against each other. Adelaide cried out as she tightened around Dukat, and soon after, they both came.

"Ah…” Dukat sighed, “now that’s what I call… being perfectly in sync." 

A small smirk came briefly to Adelaide’s lips, before she chased it away again.

“Why do you _do_ that?" asked Dukat. “Can’t you just allow yourself to enjoy my company?"

“No, I can’t,” said Adelaide. “If I did that, I’d be just as bad as you. You asked before why I laughed. I suppose the reason is because I felt foolish, doing this. Because I shouldn’t want to be with you; doing so is allowing you to win. But I can’t help it. I’ve been alone for so long… never allowing myself to feel… this, that I can’t help the emotions that continue to surface."

“You shouldn’t hold it back. We Cardassians are a passionate race, even if a few of us try to hide it. By repressing your emotions, you become no better than the Vulcans, who barely allow themselves to live at all."  
“I hate to say it, but I think you’re right. I hate that you’re right. I just don’t know what to do about it."

“Be with me, Adelaide. Allow yourself to finally _feel something_."

“Feel something for you? No thanks."

“Think about it. I can help you."

Adelaide pushed Dukat away, and he slipped out of her. She turned off the shower.

“Time to get out."

Dukat sighed in exasperation, but obeyed. Together, they left the bathroom and re-entered Adelaide’s bedroom. 

Adelaide tossed him out as soon as he was dressed.

***

It was becoming evident that condoms were not enough when Adelaide and Dukat kept fucking so often, and often so spontaneously. Adelaide needed more security. And frankly, she was getting sick of Dukat complaining. 

She was already abusing Bashir’s prescription code. It was only a matter of time before he called her in for it; strictly speaking, these codes were highly confidential, and she wasn’t supposed to know his.

It would probably be better to just own up before he did catch her, but this sort of thing was hard to talk about. Especially for her: sexuality had long been such a taboo for her, so long had she lived in shame of it.  
Surely she could use it one more time. Assuming this _was_ the last time.

At any rate, they were friends, and if she had just happened to stumble upon the prescription code recorded in a medical document, that couldn’t be her fault, now could it? She would rather be interrogated by a friend than a colleague with no interest in protecting her.

He called her in, and led her into a private room. She breathed, reminding herself that if she asked him to, he would keep quiet on what she had done.

Even if he was a bit nosy about it. 

“I must admit, Adelaide, I was surprised when I checked the record and learned you had used my code on not just one but several occasions,” he said. “I wish you had just come to me about it."

“I know,” she said. “But I was embarrassed. And I didn’t want you asking personal questions."

“You know I would never invade your privacy,” he said. 

“It was a desperate situation, the first time. I had to act quickly." 

“You still didn’t come to me afterward. I think I deserved to hear it from you."

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“So who _is_ the lucky person?" teased Julian.  
She smiled but averted her eyes. “I couldn’t possibly tell you that,” she said.

“Alright, well,” he said, “allow me to issue you the medication myself, at least. And next time, please come to me with this. You know I would never judge you for your decisions.”

 _You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew who it was_ , she thought.

“Having said that,” said Julian, as he entered her prescription into the replicator, “I know you are ordinarily so private about this sort of thing." 

“That’s true,” she said, “I am. But I still have sex. And I wanted to be cautious."

“Perfectly understandable, of course,” said Bashir. “In our profession, it’s natural that we should be more cautious than the average person. But you must know what I’m going to ask."

_Why did you think that risking your medical career was worth it? Why use his code for something as easily attainable as birth control?_

“I do,” she said, as he carried over the pills. She hid them away in her med kit. "It’s because I was ashamed. Still am. I know it’s irrational to be afraid of others seeing me as a sexual being; it’s perfectly natural, after all. I know you love to gossip, but I’d be mortified if anyone knew I was doing this. I know this isn’t a particularly common attitude in the Federation, I know I must sound utterly old-fashioned to you. But you have to understand I had an unusual childhood. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, and I don’t deserve to feel this way, but I do all the same. I feel like a stranger in this society, a freak. There’s a silence and a desperation attached to desire for me, like I’m breaking some dark taboo. So please, as my friend, I ask you to keep this to yourself."

“Alright, as a friend,” said Bashir. “But can’t you even tell me who it is? It must be new, since you’ve never done this before."

“Stop asking,” said Adelaide. 

“You never said I couldn’t speculate."

“Well, I’m saying it now,” she said, and stood up. “My shift is over now, so I’m headed home.” 

“Adelaide, please,” said Bashir, following after her. She stopped and turned to face him. “Tell me one thing. It's a Cardassian, isn’t it? I know that pill is for inter-species birth control, specifically for Human-Cardassian relationships ―”

“Stop speculating. He’s not a particularly popular person, so if you wouldn’t mind ―”

“Well, that certainly narrows it down."

Damn. “I’m not telling you anything else."

“It’s Garak, isn’t it? He's the only Cardassian on this station, and he’s not exactly popular with the Bajorans who populate this station."

“It’s not ―” 

Adelaide stopped herself. Perhaps it _was_ better to let him believe it was Garak. He wasn’t particularly attractive, but he wasn’t bad. And of course, having Julian believe that was him was better than the alternative.

“You don’t have to be jealous,” she said instead, because she knew Julian liked Garak intimately, even if he wouldn’t admit it. “It isn’t serious between us." It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“I’m not jealous,” said Julian. “You can have him. I’m not that attached to him."

Adelaide raised her eyebrow. “Uh huh, sure,” she said flatly, and walked out.

Yet despite his promise, that night she found Dukat standing before her in the kitchen, looking unimpressed.

“Why have I heard today that you’re sleeping with Garak?"

“You tell me."

Dukat stalked towards her. “I’m serious."

“I went in to see Dr Bashir today. He was prying, so I let him think what he wanted to. Was it him who you heard it from?"

“As a matter of fact, yes,” said Dukat.

“What happened? Did he actually tell you that?"

“Not directly,” said Dukat. “I heard them talking. Arguing is more like it. Bashir was questioning Garak about you, who was playing dumb.”

“I wouldn’t say dumb,” she said, “strictly speaking, Garak doesn’t even know me. I suppose I shouldn’t have given Bashir the wrong impression.”

“I should say not,” said Dukat. “Now that Garak knows you lied, he’ll be suspicious. He’ll start spying on us.”

“What do you care? I’m the one who wanted to keep this secret.”

“I have my own reasons to keep this affair secret.” 

"And you let me think―?” 

"Besides, I won’t have you running around with him. Garak is my enemy ―”

“And you’re mine. Yet we keep fucking. I can’t stand that I can’t stop fucking you, but I can’t."

“It isn’t the same thing! We’re not enemies, we’re adversaries. We may be on opposite sides, but we’re drawn together, attracted to each other. Garak and I ―”

“Aren’t? You _sure_?"

“Yes, I’m sure!" said Dukat. “What were you even doing there, talking to Bashir?"

“For your information, I was there to get contraception. Because I didn’t want to have to worry about us, every time we have sex. Look,” she said, holding up the packet, with one pill missing, “I already took the first dose. You think I want to give away what’s going on? I don’t want anyone to know I’m fucking my _enemy_ , because that’s what you are. I _hate_ you, Dukat, and I hate myself for fucking you, so don’t tell me we’re adversaries. Adversaries don’t hate each other like I hate you; they respect each other, and maybe you have found something to respect about me, but I _certainly_ don’t respect you."

“You don’t respect me,” said Dukat. “Not at all? Not even for my efficiency?"

“Fuck efficiency."

Dukat closed in on her, cornering her into the nearby table. “Are you _sure_?” he said, grinding into her. “Even if you don’t respect me for my efficiency, you respect me for something, don’t you, Adelaide? You find something irresistible about me, don’t you?”

“God, I hate you.”

“Whether you like it or not, we have chemistry. You are drawn to me, and not for anything trivial, either. You’d better start asking yourself why."

“And Garak? Nothing you respect about him?" she countered.

“Garak! He tortured my father―”

“Yet you were still drawn to him, weren’t you? Some way, somehow―”

“Is this jealousy I’m detecting?"

“Call it whatever you like. I don’t care about who you fuck. I certainly don’t care who else you’re drawn to, whatever other relationships you share. But _you_ should."

“Am I much mistaken, or is this you _caring_ about me?"

"Never."

“Then why do you care about my relationship with Garak?"

“I don’t."

Dukat grinded into her again. “Really? You sure?"

“Stop that."

“If you say so.” He stepped back.

She pulled him back in by the hips, snarling. “Don’t you dare."

Pushing her pelvis back into him, she prompted him to continue the action. Soon her pants came off, then his, and then he was pressing her hard into the table as he slipped inside her.

With one hand she clutched him as he entered her, clutching the table with the other. As he filled her up, she hooked a leg around his waist and pulled him in.  
Dragging him further into her, she bucked against him, grinding against his purse.

“Do that again,” he said.

She did.

He began thrusting, and she spread her knees further apart, meeting each thrust with a push back of her own, as her clitoris rubbed against the soft flesh of his ajan.

Rolling his hips, he circled the rim of her vagina. She contracted around him as he thrusted, while she pressed her clitoris against his purse.

It felt good, her nerves heightening as her vagina and clitoris worked in concert as he fucked her. Dukat, too, looked as though he was in ecstasy as she grinded against his purse.

He bucked deeper into her, hitting that delicate spot and making the sparks fly. She squeezed him tighter, bucking against him as she pushed her clitoris into his purse again.

Throbbing, shaking, digging nails into his neck, she came, shuddering around him.

He came into her soon after.

Sagging back into the edge of the table, he pulled out. She took a breath, then pulled her pants back up.  
So did he. 

“You are mine,” he said. 

“Now who’s jealous?” she said.

“Shut up."

“Come on. We’re not exclusive, so it’s not as though this is about you loving me. It’s about him. You two and this petty rivalry. This has nothing to do with me."

“I love all my lovers."

"Bullshit."

“I’m sorry you feel that way." 

“No," she said. “This isn’t about you and me. You know it isn’t, so don’t change the topic. Whatever is going on between you and Garak, you don’t take it out on me, okay? You sort it out between yourselves."

“You’ll know when I take it out on you―”

“Is that a _threat_?” shot Adelaide.

“Garak is not exactly the kind of person you talk it out with. He’s the kind of person whose very existence is a threat."

“Is my existence a threat?” she said.

“No, your existence isn’t a threat. We trust each other, don’t we?" 

“Oh, dammit ―”

“You trust me not to give away your secret, and I trust you to stay out of my affairs. _And_ not to consort with my enemies."

“Like Garak."

" _Yes_."

"I never promised that."

“And I never promised to keep your secret."

That gave her pause. Would he really do that, if she pursued this? 

Yes, she decided. He would. If he had nothing to lose. She wasn’t willing to take that risk.

“So what, you want me to go back to Julian and just tell him we’re not involved? He’s already convinced himself that me and Garak are boning―”

" _Boning_?"

“―he’s so jealous, I’m sure it’d take revealing who I’m actually boning to convince him I’m not boning Garak. And I am not going to do that."

“Is this some sort of human sexual innuendo?" asked Dukat.

Adelaide sighed. “Yes,” she said. When Dukat continued to look at her with a puzzled expression, she explained, “Uh… well, I guess… when the cock becomes hard, it resembles being as hard as bone."

“ _When_ it gets hard?"

“Yeah, men’s cocks are usually soft and only get hard when aroused ― you know what, don’t get off the topic. This Garak thing isn’t even common knowledge, it’s just this one person, maximum four people, who have heard it. So no harm done.”

“If that’s so, why don’t you tell him you’re fucking me?"

"Because… I don’t want him to hate me. He might even tell others. You really are the worst, you know."

“And if you don’t tell him you’re not fucking Garak soon, Garak might just let slip that you’re not."

“Fuck. I hadn’t thought of that."

“And that’s just one more thing for Garak to lord over me."

"He doesn’t even know about us."

“If he doesn’t, it’s only a matter of time. If he hears anything about this, he’ll figure it out one way or another."

“Dammit,” said Adelaide. “I’ll talk to him."

“No,” said Dukat. “I will. Garak is a very suspicious man. I’ll make him doubt anything Dr Bashir has to say to him."

"How?"

"By making him think it’s part of a plot I have against him. I can lead him away from the truth."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications arise, the secret gets out, and Adelaide must grapple with the consequences.

This wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was only supposed to be a casual thing, she wasn’t supposed to actually betray her values. It was just sex. She wasn’t being selfish, she was just fulfilling a need.

But now there was a plot, an actual web of lies forming, and she couldn’t let it unravel. 

She had taken enough of what she needed from Dukat, surely. She didn’t want to damage her friendship with Julian; she didn’t want to turn her relationship with Dukat into an affair; she didn’t want to threaten Garak. There was no need for anyone to get hurt. She had to end this before it was too late. 

Or so she told herself.

Lying in bed, she could feel someone slip into her room. She knew who it was even before she rolled onto her back, popped her eye open, and saw his face. Those narrow eye ridges, sharp eyes, thin nose, looking down at her: Dukat.

The shadows over his face, the shine of his eyes as he crept over to her made her feel strangely aroused. She closed her eyes, smiled, and spread her legs open in invitation. She let him climb on top of her. Her clit twinged, her vagina throbbed. She wanted him.  
Although the bed didn’t move much as he climbed over her, she could feel him hovering over her.

As if on autopilot, still half-asleep, she stretched her legs wide until her calves were hanging over each side of the bed. She felt a wave rising sensation through her clit up to its hood. Her nerves were alive, and she needed to _fuck_.

His armour clattered to the ground, and he crawled on top of her, covering her body with his. She smiled wider as he kissed her, then nuzzled her neck. She groaned, as he dragged his hips against hers, teasing her by grinding his wet Cho'Ch against her.

“Mm, you like that?"

“Fuck me,” she moaned.

She thought about taking it back. But then her whole labia twitched, and her vagina clenched in anticipation, and then the image in her head of him looming over her in the dark, sneaking into her bed, was so alluring she didn’t want to resist. 

Pulling off the blanket, he began to slip off her bottoms, and she allowed him to by lifting her hips and letting him slip them down her legs. Once off, she spread her legs out over the sides of the bed again.  
As his lips found hers, her hands wandered down his alluring scaly back, then down to his ass, and gave it a firm squeeze. He moaned into her mouth, and continued to move against her as his Cho'Ch continued to emerge from its hole.

He was so slick, and he felt so good as he slid over her skin. It felt even better as his length slipped between her labia, moving up and down. All the heat and the nerves set her off.

"Ah…” she moaned, blushing.

He pressed the base of his cock against her vagina, and she bucked into it, searching for more. Thrumming against him, she whimpered. "Ah… _fuck_ me…"

He slid back, and lined himself up, teasing the head into her.

“Please,” she begged.

Sliding inside her, she let out a moan and spread her legs wider another inch, raising them so they hovered over the bed, so she could really feel him. Then, as he buried himself in her, she wrapped her legs around his waist and dragged him in closer.

Throbbing and squeezing around his cock, she bucked against him, taking him deeper.

“Ah. I want you. Fuck me."

He began to move, thrusting inside her like a human would do. Thrusting easily inside her, she pressed harder around him, seeking friction, feeling her orgasm mounting.

Speeding up, he moaned into her. Snapping his hips, he slammed that sweet spot again and again. Her toes curled, her cries raising in pitch as he pounded her. Her breath came in pants as she shook and shuddered around him, her bodies warming to a dull burn.

She could overheat if this lasted too long. She removed her top, throwing it to the floor as her boobs now bounced exposed on her chest.

Spreading her legs as wide as they would go, she pressed back as hard as she could.

Then she came, clamping around him as he shook and cried. Soon after, Dukat came into her.

Thank goodness for the pill.

Opening her eyes to look up at Dukat, a terrible sense of foreboding overtook her; in her half-asleep state, the wall she had intended to put between them crumbled down and her true self was revealed. 

Her true self that wanted him. It wasn’t just that he was hot, or that she wanted to fuck an alien and explore his body. She found _him_ alluring; he was mysterious, in charge, domineering, and sure of himself. He could _get it_.

Damn. She envied that. There was something she liked about him, after all. Which meant she couldn’t simply call him a monster and dismiss him.

She pretended to go back to sleep. And he, instead of leaving, settled in beside her, cuddling her from behind.  
“And here I only came to tell you something,” he purred. “But you just seemed so happy to see me."

“I was. Damn, I need help."

“Hm. I’d say you needed more than that,” he said, kissing her neck. “Did you want to hear it?"

“Maybe leave most of it till the morning. Just tell me the basics."

“I have solved our little crisis,” he whispered in her ear. “I did it. I planted the seed of doubt inside Garak’s head. You don’t need to worry about him from now on. I handled him."

***

But there were other things to worry about. Dukat’s assurances, for one, made her more concerned about Garak, not less. She had started watching his hated Cardassian rival more often, a fact that didn’t escape Garak's notice. She was no doubt adding to his paranoia, but as they say, misery loves company.

But it wasn’t just Garak that she became concerned with. Adelaide knew her relationship with Dukat wasn’t exclusive, and she didn’t care; she rather preferred it that way. But when she noticed that he began going after Kira Nerys, she had to say something.  
“You’re an idiot."

"What?"

“Going after Kira Nerys. As if she’d ever want you. You’d have to be an idiot to think that anything you ever do would convince her to sleep with you."

“My dear Adelaide, is this jealousy?"

“Please. I’m well aware you sleep with other women, and I’ve never given a damn. But Kira is a lost cause. After everything you and Cardassia has done to her, you must be truly delusional to think you have a chance."

“Well, just because I’m the only man _you’ve_ ever slept with or ever thought you could, doesn’t give you the right to dictate to me who _I_ pursue."

That’s right, she had told him that. She had to be more careful about what she let slip around him.

“This has nothing to do with me, or whatever unrealistically low self-esteem I have when it comes to relationships. Unlike me, Kira has too much integrity to sleep with you. She’s too brave, too confident, too rebellious to ever be intimate with a man like you, who is guilty of so many crimes against Bajor. What makes you think she has any interest in you?"

“I’ve done this many times before. All I need to do is call her bluff. I can convince anyone to do what I want if I can convince them it’s their idea."

“Typical,” said Adelaide, rolling her eyes. “There’s just one problem. Kira isn't the passive Bajoran you became accustomed to during the Occupation. She will never fall for your trick; she’s become too strong for that.” _Unlike me_. “I can understand the appeal of her ― she is a truly beautiful woman, I don’t blame the attraction ― but when it comes to Kira Nerys, I think you’ll find there is finally something you can’t have."

“It _is_ jealousy! You want Kira Nerys for yourself!"

“Soon enough, you’ll see she’s not attainable for either of us. She’s too good."

“Then it isn’t just physical,” said Dukat. “Do you love ―"

"No, it isn’t love. I know the difference. I just envy her. She’s more good, more brave, more beautiful than I am."

“She also has less fun."

“Maybe. But she has relationships ― real ones based on equality and genuine affection ― and I haven’t. She understands such things, and they have even more importance to her than sex. I wish I knew what that felt like."

“Sentiment is weakness, I know you know that."

“I know. But still. She has more faith in herself, and she’s never betrayed her own values just because she wants a little more sex."

“I please you, don’t I?” said Dukat. “I make you feel good."

“I’ve told you before. The only part of me you have is my body. You don’t have my loyalty, my devotion, my love. You get the only thing you want from me."  
“And what if I want more?"

"You're kidding,” she said, looking at him now, "You have _got_ to be kidding! You really do want it all, don’t you? Your ego knows no bounds. I will never love you, just as Kira Nerys will never love you. You want to own Cardassia, and Bajor, and every beautiful woman to catch your fancy. You want to own more than you could ever have. You want to be praised and worshipped by all of it. You don’t just want passive targets like me, or easy marks like Bajor. You like the challenge of being loved by everyone, even when you don’t deserve it. You would change everyone to suit your desires. You want pleasure, conquest, desire, love, and you would cross any line to get it."

“Is pleasure not the purpose of life? Is it not what everyone should want? Would you not do everything you can to get it? Tell me the truth, you would. You have. And you’re only hurting yourself by denying yourself the love you wish to share with me, in the darkest corners of yourself. You belong to a natural class of rulers, just as I do."

“No one is born to rule, that’s just the propaganda oppressive classes teach themselves and those they oppress."

“As far as I'm concerned, this is Federation propaganda to cover up the true nature of the classes."

“And there you go again, putting yourself above all others. It’s all ego, nothing more."

“We all believe our own stories, don’t we? Ask yourself what stories you tell about yourself, and tell me it’s any different to mine."

“Of course it’s different,” said Adelaide. “You convince yourself you have a right to rule, that you are superior, that you can do no wrong. I know better. Because none of us is really good or bad, worthy or unworthy. We become those things through our actions. And right now, my actions… can’t be justified. Or forgiven. By aligning myself with you, I’ve already proven myself bad and unworthy.”

“That’s your problem,” said Dukat. “You seem devoted to misery. You should be more like me: tell yourself a better story.”

“I can’t,” she said. “Because I know it isn’t true. I don’t want to lie to myself, or live in denial. I want to be better than I am.”

Dukat, however, was devoted to remaining just as awful as he was, and continue to chase his ego. He proved this when, after he caught her sitting and talking to Garak, he cornered her.

"What are you doing, talking to my enemies?” he demanded.

“Enemies?” she retorted, looking around. “As far as I can tell, I was only talking to one. Didn’t I tell you from the start, Dukat, that I carry no sense of loyalty to you? That hasn’t changed, no matter how much you might wish it."

"Oh, and I suppose that now you plan to leave me... for _him_? I won’t allow it."

“Excuse me, I had no idea the two of you were involved,” interjected Garak. He wore a self-satisfied smirk, like he had just figured out Dukat’s game. “Oh, don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For a price."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about."

“You always were so short-sighted. Or perhaps you’ve gotten soft."

“What price?” said Dukat through gritted teeth.

“Just walk away and allow me to keep chatting with your lovely companion."

Rage burned in Dukat’s eyes, and every muscle seemed to tense.

“A word,” said Dukat, “in private?"

“You sure you want to risk it?” said Adelaide.

Dukat glared at Garak. “Anything else.” 

“No,” said Garak.

“Why not?"

“Because it’s what you most want right now."  
“This is about power,” said Dukat. He looked to Adelaide. “You see? He’s like me.”

“How insulting,” said Garak.

“We need to talk,” Dukat insisted. “Unless you want to talk right here?”

Adelaide looked between the two Cardassians. No matter what choice she made, she was caught.  
“Please,” she pleaded with Garak, before hesitantly standing and going with Dukat. 

Dukat led Adelaide to find an empty room and closed the door behind them. Before she had a chance to speak, Dukat said, “I thought we had an understanding."

“Oh, that I wouldn’t talk to Garak and you’d keep my secret? I didn’t seek him out though, he approached me, and then we got to talking. And once we did, it made me realise something. This isn’t just my secret, is it? You have something to lose too, don’t you? Don’t lie. And all this time I hated you and myself. I thought you were just some manipulative, possessive bitch, but some things he said about you… made me realise you were just some sad, lonely man who’s just looking for some comfort no matter who else it hurts… you’re selfish; you crave love and would do anything for it but earn it. You don’t deserve it. So I’m done.”

“Do you mean to tell me that I once had it, your love? You admit that what we have is a relationship?"

“It was an arrangement, that’s all."

“An arrangement,” said Dukat. “As though this were nothing more than business. Yet even now, you have feelings for me."

"Never."

“You do, and it scares you. You wouldn’t have allowed this to go on so long if you didn’t. You'd have thrown me out of your bedroom a long time ago."

She smirked, as though at a joke. “This is what you wanted all along, isn’t it? Beg to stay, then use my mercy against me. Convince me it meant love. Lie to me. All this time, all these women you’ve been seeing. You do the same to them, don’t you? Well, it’s not going to happen this time, Dukat. Not with me. There’ll be no false confessions, no easy answers. Because I don’t love you, Dukat. I never have, and I never will."

“You _do_ care about me, though. You have seen past my armour, to the part of me I show no one. You understand my sorrow ―”

“No, Dukat. I’m not doing this. Who cares if we’ve both seen inside each other? It was just sex.” 

“Oh, and I suppose now you’ll run into Garak’s bed ―"

“Ha! You think ― _you actually think_ I’m interested in Garak? That I desire his body? No... no, it’s not exactly that I want him instead of you. I don’t plan on simply trading one Cardassian lover for another, no... But if you just risked our reputations for an attack of jealousy, then I question how such a volatile, reckless man ever became a Gul."

“Then what is it?” questioned Dukat.

“I... respect him. He’s not perfect ― he is a Cardassian, after all ―"

“What is that supposed to mean?"

“That Cardassians generally believe themselves to be superior. But despite that, I respect his opinion. I’m curious as to his perspective on Cardassia, and Bajor, and the Occupation, and even humanity, far more than yours. You might even say that whereas I desire your body but not his, I desire his mind, and not yours."

“The man is on exile from Cardassia,” said Dukat. “He has no worthwhile opinions!"

“Maybe not to a Cardassian Gul,” said Adelaide. “But I happen to believe that an outsider is always the best judge of a society."

“As an outsider to Cardassia yourself, that is a very convenient opinion to have."

“But I’m not a Cardassian; Garak is. An outcast _within_ a society is its best judge, that’s what I meant, not one who’s never been inside the society before. The outcast knows better than anyone not only the positives of a society, but its fatal flaws. As someone who was exiled from his planet, Garak would know these better than anyone."

“It is just like a human to go looking for the weaknesses of Cardassia, so that you can condemn it from afar ―"

“That’s not what I’m doing. I care about Cardassia, or at least I’m learning to. Both of you have taught me an appreciation for it, no matter what you are to me personally. Whether I maintain a relationship with either of you is irrelevant to my newfound goal of trying to understand Cardassia. You could cease to be my lover, Garak could cease to be my friend, and I would still strive for that goal. I won’t choose between you, and I will not be like your Bajoran mistresses or your family members and allow myself to be ordered around by you. If you cease to be my lover just because of who my friends are, so be it."

For a moment, Dukat simply stared at her. Then he said, “I’ve got to say, I’m liking this new backbone you are showing me. Very well, befriend Garak if you must. But allow me to teach you more about Cardassia too. It wouldn’t do to only receive a one-sided education about Cardassia."

Adelaide looked warily at Dukat. "If this is some attempt to get me to love and respect you ―"

“No ploy at all, I promise you. It is simply my love for Cardassia guiding my hand, I swear it."

Reluctantly, Adelaide agreed to his promise.

"Now...” said Dukat, closing in towards Adelaide.   
She looked up at him as he wrapped his arms around her. “Is this your way of being possessive of me?” she asked.

"You're a bright woman. What do you think?" 

“I am not yours. I am only with you for my own sexual gratification. Anything else is off the table."

Major Kira burst suddenly into the room. Her eyes blazed as she took them in. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she cried. Her eyes were locked on Dukat.

“Would you care to join us, Major?” Dukat smoothly deflected. “There’s always room for one more."

“I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction, you..."

Kira’s eyes drifted from Dukat to Adelaide. “Take your hands off of her,” said Kira. "Now."

“Why, Major, I do believe you’re jealous," said Dukat. “If you were interested in me, you could’ve just said. There’s plenty of me to go around."

“Is that always your go-to?" said Adelaide, pushing him away. "You really are pathetic."

“Adelaide, has he done this before?"

“You could say that."

“Ladies, ladies...” said Dukat. “Please, we can settle this civilly, can’t we?"

“Fat chance, Dukat,” said Kira. “If you’ve done this before, I’ll make sure you never step foot on this station ever again, not while I’m here."

“Major, please. Do you really think I would force a woman to be with me against their will? I’m not a monster. Just between you and me, she has consented to my touch for months now."

“Adelaide, is that true?"

Adelaide turned to answer, but she couldn’t even speak. She couldn’t even look at Kira. After too long, her answer became apparent.

“Oh no... Adelaide..."

“You can hate me if you want,” said Adelaide. “I wouldn’t blame you at all. He and his people oppressed your people for decades. He’s guilty of atrocities, he’s evil, and no, he doesn’t deserve any small pleasure from either of us."

“Then why give it to him?” said Kira. “How could you possibly?"

“It’s a selfish decision. I wanted what he offered me."  
“Are you saying he was irresistible?"

“Not at all. I was strong enough to resist him. I just chose not to. I’m tired of resisting my desires. Don’t get me wrong, I hate him, I absolutely loathe who he is and what he’s done. But in this case, it just wasn’t... a deal breaker.”

She spoke these last three words with utter defeat in her voice, knowing Kira would hate her for this, that she’d never forgive her. But it was inevitable at this point, and Adelaide really only had herself to blame.  
"Wasn't a deal breaker,” repeated Kira.

Adelaide looked briefly up at Kira’s face, but found herself too ashamed to hold her gaze.

“I know, I know, it’s terrible. I’m terrible. I can’t imagine what it was like for you, for your people. If it was me, if it was my people, I don’t think I could even touch him. But that’s the point: it wasn’t."

“So because it wasn’t your people, you don’t think they’re worth much; they’re not worth protecting, or defending, or standing with?"

“That isn’t it,” insisted Adelaide. "If it had been my people, I think I would’ve been too disgusted, too tormented, maybe too proud to do it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t side with yours. I just don’t have a strong enough connection to them, so I…"

“Well, maybe you should find that connection."  
Finally raising her eyes to meet Kira’s, Adelaide took in the betrayed look in Kira’s face, and continued talking before Kira could speak up. 

"I know you care more about actions than anything else, so I don’t expect you to forgive me. Maybe you might even kick me off this station, in which case, I guess I’ll just have to find some other Starfleet outpost to serve at, although I don’t see what business it is of yours what I do in my private life, since I still believe in the welfare of Bajor ―"

“How can you say that?” demanded Kira. “You’re sleeping with the enemy!"

“I’ve told Dukat from the start that this isn’t personal, I will not be loyal to him, I won’t ―"

“Do you really think any of that matters?” said Kira. “You have already aligned yourself with him, even if you refuse to acknowledge it ―"

“I know that if this were the Occupation, you would not hesitate to kill me for being a collaborator. But I’m not, and this is not the Occupation, so you can’t kill me; Starfleet wouldn’t stand for it. So you can hate me if you want, but this is not a time in history that you can punish me for my personal choices. The best you can do is kick me off this station, and then I can just go elsewhere. So go ahead and hate me. It will truly be sad to cease being friends with you... I truly never wanted you to know my shameful secret. But we are very different people, Kira. I can’t be as strong or as noble as you are. So if you must hate me, so be it. At least I’ll know where I stand."

Adelaide was now staring straight into Kira’s eyes with determination; she had found some kind of courage at least. Even if it would leave her as soon as Kira was out of her sight, this moment was a liberation from fear that she hadn’t expected to rise in her. It felt good.

“If you insist,” said Kira, and she stormed from the room.

“Well done,” said Dukat from behind her. 

Condescending applause followed the words. 

"Don't let it go to your head,” Adelaide said bitterly. “Oh, who am I kidding? Of course you will. I am no more on your side than I was ten minutes ago."

Adelaide followed Kira’s lead and stormed out.

Unfortunately, in the hours following the revelation, knowledge of Adelaide’s physical relationship with Dukat spread throughout the station, reaching senior officers, her co-workers at sickbay, and Julian Bashir.

“I just can’t believe it,” said Julian, as he moved around the lab running patient diagnostics. “You and Dukat? What could you be thinking, being with _him_?"

“There is absolutely nothing between us,” said Adelaide. “Just sex. I hate him as much as you do."

“Then how could you... do _that_?"

“Look, Julian, I’m not like you. I don’t walk around flirting with every attractive person I can just in case one of them might be interested. I can’t bring myself to be that open with anyone, so I know I don’t much to offer any partner I might have. A whole buffet of people lay spread before me, and I can’t bring myself to touch a single hor d'oeuvre. But then Dukat comes along, and he offers me a delectable delicacy, and who am I to turn it away? It is the only thing I know I’m allowed to touch, so you’re damn right I’m going to help myself for as long as I can. I’m starving, Julian. I’m sure I’ll get bored of him eventually, but until then, I’ll take what I can get."

“But Adelaide, do you really think Gul Dukat is the only person who would ever want to love you ―?"

“Love has nothing to do with it."

"Well... you know what I mean. You’re a beautiful woman, there must be plenty of people who’d want to be with you."

“Like you?"

“Well I..."

“No, of course not."

“Now, hold on ―"

“You know the thing that unravelled this whole thing, Dukat’s confrontation with Garak ―” 

“I thought Kira walked in on you two."

“She did. But she only caught us because of that confrontation."

“Why, what happened?"

“Garak happened, that’s what. I should have known better than to trust him. It was stupid, but I was… more afraid of Dukat being indiscreet than I was of Garak’s malice. You know, he insisted of pulling me away even after Garak threatened us? The man was a tower of jealousy. He actually thought Garak was a sexual rival. I told him flat-out that it wasn’t true, after. And it isn’t because I’m repulsed by Garak, no... It’s because I know he isn’t mine. Garak, I have noticed, has his eye on another."

“Are you saying Garak has a girlfriend?” Julian asked incredulously.

“Not exactly."

“A-a _boyfriend_?"

“Not yet. Perhaps if the boy in question would make a move..."

“Who is this boy? Perhaps I can have a word with him."

Adelaide grinned. “It’s you."

“M-me?” said Julian. Already, he was vigorously shaking his head. “No, you must be mistaken, I... We’re just friends."

“Have you ever read up on Cardassian second tongue?” said Adelaide. “Basically just their word for body language. Once you learn to see the signs, it really is quite obvious; Garak likes you."

“Well, of course he likes me! We’re friends!"

“No,” said Adelaide. “He _likes_ you."

“Well, I suppose you’re not wasting your second tongue just on me?” said Julian. “It might help to teach you that there are others besides Dukat who could like you."

“Unfortunately, second tongue is really only for Cardassian body language, and the only Cardassians around here are Dukat and Garak. I already know Dukat likes me ― in fact, he’s starting to like me a little too much. And Garak likes you. We’re just two humans and their Cardassians..."

“But how does Dukat like you too much?” said Julian. “Do you really plan to keep your heart closed forever to even the possibility of connection?"

“Perhaps not, but I’m certainly not going to open my heart to _Dukat_ of all people!” said Adelaide. “I hate him too much, I will _never_ love him."

"Fair enough."

“Does it make me a horrible person, though? That I fuck him, I mean, that I would do even that. I keep telling myself... that I’m in control, that I won’t allow him to manipulate me. I don’t want to become like him. What if I already am becoming like him, little by little, and I don’t even know it? How long can I let this go on for?"

“If that’s how you feel, why don’t you just end it now?” asked Julian.

“I certainly didn’t intend it to go on this far. I never wanted it to get out what I was doing, let alone talk to you or anyone else about it."

“As you’ve said, you don’t open up easily,” said Julian. “I’m glad you’re talking to me, at least, rather than someone you hate, like Dukat."

She smirked shyly at him. “It won’t be easy letting him go, though. I think I can go on a little longer, but after that, I’ll need some help. I can already tell he’ll put up a fight. He’s started to get a little too comfortable with me."

“It’d probably be better to cut it off sooner rather than later,” said Julian.

“It will be soon. Just not yet. I have a little more I want to squeeze out of him first."

Julian’s eyes twinkled. “Something tells me you’d fit right in on Cardassia."

“Well, I do like the heat."

They both chuckled.

“When you’re ready, I’m here for you. In fact, I think even Major Kira would be willing to join the fight. She’s just begging to kick Dukat off the station."

Adelaide smiled, but she looked down sadly. “I don’t think she’d do it for me. She hates me now, because of this."

“Major Kira cares about actions. Kick out Dukat, and I’m sure she’ll forgive you."

“Maybe,” said Adelaide, unconvinced. “Somehow, though, I doubt it. Bajorans are... with good reason, I’m sure, I mean I could certainly understand why they would be... hostile to Cardassians. Especially this Cardassian. Hating me would be a natural extension of that. That’s a trauma that would not be easy to be rid of."

“Do you really think it’s trauma?” asked Julian.

“Absolutely. It’s a Bajoran trauma; the trauma of what the Cardassians did. And especially knowing some of Kira’s background... But it’s an experience and a trauma I don’t share, so it’s much easier to ignore. And harder still to stand up to perpetrators of that trauma."

“Then why’d you do it, if you knew all that?" asked Julian softly, turning fully towards me.

“I had this idea... that the things Dukat was telling me about myself were true. I had this urge to go into his arms... because he was giving me what I wanted. I felt compelled to obey... even though every other part of me was rebelling against him. Even though I hate him. I tried many times to tell myself it wasn’t a betrayal, it was just me living my life and making my own decisions, that I was allowed to indulge occasionally, that I wasn’t hurting anyone."

“And now?"

“I think knowing what I did... only added to a pain that has lived long in Kira, and will likely continue for quite some time. She will always hate Dukat, far more than I do. Maybe she’ll never understand why I did what I did. Maybe she will. Whether she does or not is irrelevant."

“Not to her."

“Maybe not. But I’ve given up on the concept of her understanding, let alone forgiving, me for it."

“Don’t give up on her just yet. She may just surprise you."

Adelaide looked down. "...Maybe."

After that conversation, Adelaide couldn’t be with Dukat physically anymore. Something had just changed in her.

As he leaned in to kiss her the next time he dropped by her quarters, she pushed him back. She focused curiously in on his face as he looked at her, confused.

“What is it, Adelaide?"

“It’s over,” she said.

"No, no, surely we can work something out..."

“Not this time. Now, I want you to leave."

“But Adelaide ―"

"Don't ‘Adelaide’ me. Get out."

“If this is about Major Kira, surely..."

“Surely what? You can get me to change my mind? I doubt it. I hated you before, but on some level I think I at least held a modicum of respect for you. As... an influential leader, even if your beliefs are so in conflict with mine, even though I hated your ideals. Now I’m disgusted by all of you. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, I can’t believe I let you fool me into... Just get out, Dukat. I never want to see you again."

“You can’t just toss me out of your life! I..."

“This was always going to happen eventually,” said Adelaide. “I could never let a man like you become a permanent fixture in my life."

“What, just because you were afraid of what you might find in me if you did, because you’re afraid of becoming like me?"

"Exactly."

“It’s too late for that now, so you might as well join me by my side."

“I certainly hope not. Imagine, betraying my sincerest beliefs for something so meaningless as sex. Was I really that desperate? I lived for years in contentment without it, and then you come along..."

“I don’t think you were as content as you claim to be,” said Dukat. “Otherwise, you would not have opened up so easily to me."

“Perhaps you’re right,” said Adelaide. “But all that is over now. Leave, or I will call security."

“It isn’t over,” said Dukat. “I will always be in the back of your mind, making you wonder what could’ve been, if you do this."

“I’d rather wonder,” said Adelaide, “then cross some line I can’t ever come back from. You disgust me, Dukat. And I hate you now, more than I ever have before."

Dukat stepped forward, capturing her wrists in a dominating gesture. “Do you think I will just let you get away from me? You’re mine, I own you now."

Adelaide took a step back, helplessly looking up into his eyes through the dark. “No, you don’t. Dukat."

He kept a grip on her hands. Slowly, he backed her slowly into the room. He guided her towards the bed. Then he threw her down onto it.

She touched her com badge. "Damon to security. Attack in my qua―"

Dukat snatched the badge from her. “Naughty girl. You’ll have to be punished."

“So will you. As soon as they arrive ―"

“It is you who will face punishment. Tell me, who will believe you, even on this Bajoran station, when they find you here alone and I am gone?"

“Anyone who knows you,” said Adelaide. “Anyone who knows what you’re capable of. Anyone who knows our history."

“Are you hoping Major Kira, who currently hates you, will come to your rescue?"

“She’s not the only one who knows."

“And what will you tell them? I’ve barely touched you."  
“The truth. That you tried to assault me, and you ran away as soon as I called them."

“But now that they know our history, who could believe that didn’t want it?”

“Anyone with a shred of decency."

“Fine. Throw yourself on the mercy of the Bajorans. See how forgiving they can be…”

Before Adelaide could respond, Dukat left her room, taking with him the last word.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of her relationship with Dukat, Adelaide takes stock.

In the days after Dukat left the station, Adelaide walked about the station as she had before, hoping that she could resume her duties without being confronted about what had happened.

She was beginning to understand what Garak had to go through on a daily basis. The Bajorans on the station no doubt must know by now what she’d done. She could feel their eyes like blades in her back. She spent more time with Garak, confiding in him.

“I’m starting to wonder if I should leave. After what I did... I feel I’m not welcome here, that I’ve even hurt my career."

“My dear, you get used to the eyes eventually. I think, if you had truly disgraced yourself, you would not still be on this station. Your Federation cares more for your usefulness than they do that you made a mistake. It is easy to let your imagination run away with you. It would be wiser, in this case, to rather ignore it and rely on the evidence of your senses. They will tell you all you need to know."

Adelaide looked around their table at the others in the Replimat.

“What do you see?” asked Garak.

“I see... people, going about their business."

“Are they paying any attention to you?"

“Some are,” said Adelaide. “I can see... a few turning to me with hate in their eyes. The Bajoran over there, for example,” she said, nodding to someone a few tables over. “She is taking every opportunity to turn from her friends to glare at me. Occasionally, they are glaring at me too, but mostly they are talking contentedly amongst themselves."

“Well, I think you can handle a few stray Bajorans. Besides, if any of them tried anything against you, you can rest assured that I would support you. And so would Constable Odo, if any of them were fool enough to break the law. Trust me, I know."

“You know, I think that must be the first time I’ve ever heard you tell anyone to trust you."

“Well, in this case, my information is reliable."

“Well, I’m honoured."

“Don’t be,” said Garak. “There’s no honour amongst Cardassians."

“I’m not a Cardassian."

“Ah, but you’re not far off. Why else would I be talking to you, just as if we’re old friends?"

“I suppose you’re right. There must be something Cardassian about me, to do what I did."

“Just between you and me,” said Garak, “why did you? With Gul Dukat of all Cardassians?"

“He was there. He meant nothing to me, it was purely physical. Not that you wanted to hear about that...” said Adelaide.

“No,” Garak agreed. “But ― and don’t take this the wrong way ― I was also here. Why wasn’t it me?"

“I understand. As for why not you, I could never do that. I would never want to get between you and Julian,” she said.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Julian," said Garak.

“No,” said Adelaide, “but there should be."

“And what do you mean by that?"

“Well, you’re in love, aren’t you? Don’t deny it, I’ve seen the way you two are with each other. I didn’t want to get between the two of you. I wouldn’t feel right about it."

“Oh, but sleeping with Dukat was fine?"

“He wasn’t attached."

“He’s married."

“Well, he must not love his wife very much,” said Adelaide.

“And I’m not in love with Julian."

“Oh, please. You may be able to fool others with that routine, but it won’t work on me. Even if you never get up the guts to get together with Julian, you still like him."

“Love him, apparently,” said Garak.

“You know, what I regret most about all this is losing my friendship with Major Kira. I’m sure I’ve lost her respect, and it’s a shame. I always admired her strength and integrity, but I’ve never shared it. Now that she knows that, I fear there will always be tension between us."

“Perhaps you love _her_?” Garak teased. 

“Nothing like all that,” said Adelaide. “I always simply admired her from afar. It’s only a judgement on myself, that I couldn’t be like her."

“Relationships are like that, aren’t they?” said Garak. “Our connections to people always have a basis in self-improvement. When you no longer learn from a person, your relationship can’t continue. There’s nowhere else for that connection to grow... Perhaps someday you will take on the lessons Major Kira could offer you."  
“And maybe someday you’ll learn from whatever lessons Julian has to offer you."

Garak raised his cup, politely dipping his head to her. “I’ll drink to that."

They clinked their cups together.

“If you don’t mind my asking, why did you do it if you admire Major Kira so much?" asked Garak.

“I hate myself,” confessed Adelaide, then abashedly averted her eyes in regret. “Because I know I’ll never be like her. Or at least... I can’t, or don’t want to, stop myself from indulging."

“It’s sex, not a diet."

“What difference does it make? It comes down to the same thing. I’m greedy, and I’m not willing to stop being greedy. It just doesn’t seem worth it."

“I have noticed you are often a ravenous eater, but I rather assumed it was because you’re human; you all seem to be like that. But now that you bring it up, there is something of a parallel between Julian’s appetites for both things as well."

“A food/sex metaphor is pretty common to human literature, to be honest. With all your literary discussions with Julian, I’m surprised you didn’t notice."

"Indeed... I’ll have to bring that up during our next little chat."

“Oh to be a fly on that wall...” said Adelaide. “I’d love to see the look on his face when you bring up sex. To be honest, it’d be a good way in, if you were looking to get together with him."

“Oh, my dear, our little conversations are enough. I don’t imagine ruining our friendship for such an exchange is needed. Sex is not something that Cardassians have a powerful need to fulfil."

“Dukat certainly didn’t seem to mind rushing into it."  
“Dukat is a phenomenally poor excuse for a Cardassian. He lacks the proper respect."

“He may be downright human,” said Adelaide in mock scandal.

“You two truly did meet in the middle. Are you absolutely sure Major Kira is who you want?"

“She’s beautiful, strong, and sexy. How could I resist her?"

“Then perhaps you might... meet in the middle."

“Be more Bajoran, you mean?"

"Exactly."

“I don’t know how. Especially after what I did... I have no idea what it’s like to be her. To suffer, to struggle, to fight..."

“Then perhaps you should find some first-hand experience."

“What, like transfer to treat patients at the frontline of some war? Is there any such place?"

“There may be soon."

“What do you mean?"

“The Dominion,” said Garak. “Word has it the Federation is set to stand up against them. There’s bound to be something there, if nowhere else."

“It all sounds so scary. A war? I could die, even if I’m not on the battlefield."

“You could die anywhere,” said Garak. “Besides, if you’re looking for understanding, you’d have to put yourself in her position. As a Starfleet officer, you might well find yourself in the position whether you like it or not. The Federation needs doctors, and wars have a tendency to not stay in one place. You might even find yourself fighting for your life on this station."

“You’re right,” said Adelaide. “And after all, it’s not just me I’ll be fighting for, but the lives of everyone around me. That’s why I’m here. This place has become somewhat infamous for being the centre of a lot political unrest, and rebellion against the forces that seek to divide us. This could be a real lesson in solidarity, one that clearly I sorely need."

"It’s up to you to form that closeness to the Bajorans around you," said Garak. “It’s up to you to learn from the days ahead, and hopefully live to put those lessons into practice."

“You’ve given me a lot to think about...” said Adelaide.  
Although Adelaide returned to her usual life aboard the station, and she walked about it as if she had put it all behind her, she never stopped thinking about it. She bantered, smiled, worked, and went home to her quarters as if nothing was wrong, but it was. She couldn’t settle in those familiar rooms without seeing Dukat in every corner.

That’s where they fought. That’s where they fucked. That’s where he shoved her against the wall and kissed her. That’s where he charmed her and convinced her this was right.

He was everywhere. And there she stood, soaking in shame over it.

How could she do that to Kira, to every Bajoran on the station? If they even cared; she knew none of them that well, not even Kira.

Except she knew they did care. She could see the way they looked at her now, like she had spat in their morning raktajinos. She couldn’t escape their expressions; they haunted her.

And Kira. She must hate her more than anyone.  
But she wasn’t just ashamed for their sakes; she was ashamed for hers, too. She became everything she ever hated; she had sold her integrity just so she could fuck. And she’d even liked it. She’d even let herself believe it was alright, that it was good to let herself have something, as if this was some harmless hobby.  
She had been drifting through the world unattached to it, and she’d never known how much she’d wanted or needed this until he’d come along. And maybe he knew, somehow, maybe he’d sensed it. Maybe that’s why he’d chosen her: an easy mark.

Maybe all this had been some sort of abusive relationship she’d fallen into.

Except that it wasn’t. She was just that bitch: she’d made her own choices, she’d chosen greed (or perhaps lust was more apt a description) over solidarity with an oppressed people. She was that horrible a person, deep down. She deserved Kira’s hate.

“Why’d you do it?"

She deserved that question too.

It was another day. Kira had chased her down on the Promenade, and now stood there, waiting. 

Looking back at Kira, her hands on her hips, that lovely security uniform showing off her figure, Adelaide gathered her thoughts and prepared herself to answer it.

She looked into Kira’s eyes. “I asked myself that many times,” she replied honestly. “I was in denial about it for a long time, but I was lonely. I chose him because he… seemed to care about me more than anyone else in my life ever seemed to. And I don’t blame you if you hate me for it. I know the other Bajorans on this station do, I can see it in their eyes. I’m used to being hated, and rejected, and before he came along, I honestly didn’t think I cared. But I do. Good to know. Excuse me…"

Adelaide moved to turn, but Kira stopped her with a hand on her arm. Adelaide turned back at her.

“I don’t hate you, Adelaide. Yes, I do blame you for what you did, but I find it hard to hate you like I hate Dukat. You may be responsible for your own actions, but I’ve learned the past few years that blaming everyone for collaborating with people like Dukat isn’t fair, either. He took advantage of you. While I think you need to seriously work on yourself before you can belong on this station again, you didn’t commit those acts against my people, he did. If this was still the Occupation, you’re right, I’d still condemn you as a collaborator. But now all I see when I look at you is pity."

“I suppose I can understand that. What kind of woman allows herself to be manipulated for that long? One who’s suffering from deprivation. An isolated woman with no alternative. I suppose it’s easy to pity a woman like that."

“I don’t think I’m alone in that, either,” said Kira. “Others on this station pity you, too. You’re not as hated as you think you are."

“I find that hard to believe, even if I wanted to, and I do. I know it’s not logical, but I’ve always felt like I was hated. I didn’t decide to be, but I’m just afraid there’s just something unlovable about me. It’s always felt inevitable, so I just surrendered to the idea. I was raised off-world, I didn’t even see Earth until I was 20. My parents were ambassadors, and when I was still young we were travelling to a talk on Vulcan. However, our ship was shot down by Romulans looking to derail the talks. My father died with me in his arms, trying to protect me. My mother died trying to take the ship down safely. The Romulans took me, and raised me as their own. But they never let me forget I was different. They taught me to believe I was unworthy, to love, to touch, to be around. I was just like an animal to them, a pet. I wondered if it was something wrong with me. I still do.

“But when Dukat came along, I didn’t feel like that. I felt accepted: he didn’t treat me as something to be put at a distance; something threatening, or novel, or other; instead, I was something he wasn’t afraid to touch, something worthy of attention, and it didn’t matter what he was or what I thought of him. It didn’t matter what he did to someone else, as much as I hate myself for that. If I could feel, just for a little while, that someone wanted me, that I was allowed to touch somebody, even for this brief amount of time, I was willing to do that. I just wanted release, because it builds up in your body and it gets so difficult sometimes to walk around untouched. I never knew how good it could be."

“I’m so sorry,” said Kira. “I can’t imagine how alone you must have felt. But you were on a station full of people of every variety, and more coming in everyday. You didn’t think any of them would want you?"

“It became something forbidden, reaching out to people. I was the outsider, it was something I couldn’t want. I wasn’t worthy of affection. My humanity became a joke, because how could anyone want something like me? So I began to model myself after them, learning to hide and control my emotions."  
“But this is a Bajoran station. Filled with many species, from Humans to Ferengi to Klingons. Surely you don’t think they all hate you like the Romulans did?"

“I told you, it’s not logical. I wish it was. I learned shame a long time ago, and that’s a very hard lesson to unlearn. I still feel it. And yes, I do think everyone here hates me, even if they don’t show it. But especially now, since now they have a real reason to."

“You said you tried to be like the Romulans, and control your emotions. But I don’t think you did; you just buried them. If you did control them, you wouldn’t let these feelings of inadequacy stop you from pursuing this need you have. You would have overcome them. And you would realise that I don’t hate you, and neither do others on this station."

“I don’t think I _would_ know that; I’ve seen their eyes, following me around.” Then she began to wonder. “Why don’t you hate me?"

“Because I don’t believe you’re irredeemable. You can change.” 

“But it was my choice. I did that. It’s unforgiveable."

“No, you know what’s unforgiveable? Doing what he did: slave-driving, killing, raping a whole people. _My_ people. You made a mistake. You threw away your values on someone, but you learned your lesson, and you turned your back on him. You didn’t hurt anyone, you just followed your heart. That’s not unforgiveable."

“You can never look at me the same way again, surely. I have this dark side to me, and he brought it out in me."

“That’s not dark. Dark is killing, it’s revenge, it’s soul-deep hatred ―”

“I never killed anyone, but I know hatred. I learned that I loved and hated him at the same time, even if now I feel only hatred for him, and for myself. I was willing to let slide anything to justify what I was doing; just like him. He dragged me into the dark with him. I committed a violence of my own; that’s why they hate me now, your people. I betrayed them. I’m supposed to be better than that. But I allowed him his justifications, even rewarded him with my body. I disgust myself. You should feel that, too."

“Yes, I should,” said Kira. “Yes, you made a choice, one that hurts me and my people, because it offers him validation. I should hate you. But I don’t. You’re not a Cardassian, you don’t think that Bajorans are an inferior race. You aren’t him."

“So, you forgive me?" asked Adelaide. 

“I understand,” said Kira. “I don’t know if I forgive you yet."

“That’s fair,” said Adelaide. “I get it."

“Then we understand each other."

“Yeah, we do."

“Well, that’s a start."

It felt good just knowing that much. But she still hated herself for what she did, and because she knew that Kira couldn’t see her the same way as before.

She didn’t flee the station to some distant battlefield. She stayed, and faced the judgement that she had deserved. Because she knew Kira was right: her mistake was hiding her emotions, rather than simply controlling them. If there was a way to win over Kira again, she became certain that fighting her issues right here was the way to do it. She had to conquer her fear of rejection before anything else.

This certainly wasn’t the first or last time she had ever withstood the eyes of judgement, but that didn’t make this time any easier to take. Those old words of insult that circled round her head ― she was embarrassing, a disgrace, just that kind of trash ― came from experiences like this. Vainly, she hoped the stain of Dukat wouldn’t corrupt her forever.

Ordinarily, she’d say this was fine. She would stew in these emotions broiling around in her, then they would simmer down and she would feel fine again. But if she were to improve, she had to act now, before this latest experience only deepened her trauma.

In an attempt to move on, she sought out once again the advice of Garak, who Dukat had seemed insistent that she not associate with. But now that she was done with Dukat, Adelaide had come to know Garak better. They had become friends.

Garak was a wonderful conversationalist, friendly, deep, and insightful. He was appealing in a way that Dukat just wasn’t. With Dukat, it had been purely physical; with Garak, they had an intellectual connection. More than that, she and Garak now shared a connection over how they were both generally hated by the Bajorans on the station.

In true Cardassian fashion, they also both held similar yet conflicting points of view, which perfectly played off each other on the days they were found to have lunch together.

“Do you know why no Bajoran can speak rationally about the Occupation?” Adelaide asked on one such occasion. "It’s because they’re all still traumatised by it. It’s why they’re still so angry, why they still persecute the whole Cardassian race. I mean, do you know what it was like for them? I don’t, but at least I can imagine, and I can sympathise. I don’t know about you. The Occupation’s over, but I wouldn’t blame Kira if she saw me as a collaborator for what I did. And she’d be right, I suppose there’s no coming back from that."

“Is that what you believe? Did she tell you any of this?"  
"No,” admitted Adelaide. “But the more I think about it, the more I wonder. Perhaps I should just let it go, in fact I know I should, but I don’t know how."

“I think you do,” said Garak. “You’re just afraid to try. You said it yourself: the solution is to act."

“You think I should ask her out?"

Garak spread out his arms and smiled, prompting her to interpret his words as she wished.

“But my actions have probably already worsened her trauma even further, even if I were selfish enough to pursue her. Because I refused to give up something that was giving me gratification, even though I hated the person who was giving it, hated everything he stood for. He was charming, he made me forget... that he wasn’t like that with everyone."

“Charm is his greatest weapon,” said Garak. “Even with his enemies, he uses it as his ultimate manipulation tactic."

“Well, he played me like a fiddle.” 

At Garak’s confused expression, she explained, “Human expression."

“Ah. Well, in my case, his charm is no match for my wit."

“Wit,” Adelaide repeated. “That’s all I needed, some _wit_."

“Based on our conversations, you already have some wit. Perhaps in your case, it would’ve taken something more. Some willpower, perhaps?"

“I don’t know what made me so desperate."

“When you’re in the wilderness, you never know the kinds of things you’ll have to do to survive. You could go for days without eating if you were forced to."

“What does this have to do with me?"

“After a few days, you quite forget you’re hungry. You just know you need to eat, you don’t know how much. Perhaps that’s just the body’s way of coping. But when you finally can eat again... it becomes clear just how ravenous you were. You couldn’t stop yourself if you tried. You simply must eat until you’re full."

“So I was... starving."

"Exactly."

“And he was simply taking advantage of my hunger. But then he allowed himself... he fooled himself into thinking that hunger was who I really was. He mistook my lust for love."

“He didn’t fool himself into anything,” said Garak. “He wanted to make you reliant upon him. He wanted to become the hand that feeds you, to use another human expression I once heard. Pretending love was involved was probably another manipulation tactic."

“Great,” said Adelaide. “I was fooled twice."

“These are lessons,” said Garak. “Now you know not to fall for such tactics in the future. And Major Kira, being the woman she is, will surely appreciate such applied lessons. After all, it is our ability to change that defines our identities as well as our relationships. If you can show her you’ve changed, she may forgive you.

"But more importantly," Garak added, "you must convince yourself."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adelaide must face Dukat one last time, and Kira extends a hand to Adelaide.

Adelaide stared out the big window on the upper level of the Promenade, looking down at Bajor. Although she had personally not done anything to the Bajorans, she felt guilty. She felt like she had betrayed them.

Especially Major Kira.

She detected Gul Dukat, the source of her anguish, approach her on the right before she saw him.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," he said.

"Bullshit," she said, not looking at him. "But I don't expect you to understand that. You feel no remorse, no shame ―"

"Something you could learn from ―"

"No," she said, turning on him. "Because as shitty as I feel right now, at least I feel something. When I was with you, I… felt myself slipping. I wouldn't have admitted it, but I was allowing my… integrity to slip from me. I was having too good of a time. I stopped caring about anything else, including the people you hurt. I allowed myself to forget… And as much as I hate myself, at least I'm not guilty of the things that you are."

"Adelaide…"

"No. Please, just…"

"You don't have to hate yourself. Just for sleeping with a Cardassian ―"

"You're not just any Cardassian. You're Gul Dukat, Commander of the Second Order, and former Prefect of Bajor. You are guilty of brutalities, corruption, and murder. And I cannot stand by and align myself with you anymore."

"You would rather align yourself with the Bajorans?" said Dukat. "Or is all this about Major Kira?"

Adelaide stood him down, hands on her hips. He grinned at her, even laughed. 

"I knew it," he said. "You and I aren't so very different. You want her just as much as I do. You talk big about integrity or justice, but you haven't really changed. This is just another play ―"

"Maybe," she said. "Maybe I am just being selfish. But I'm trying, at least. Maybe Major Kira will make me better. It's as good a reason as any. And then there's you, who doesn't even regret what you did on Bajor. If you do, all you regret is losing. You wish Bajor was under the Occupation still, don't you? In fact, you are so full of hate, you wish worse than that, don't you? You want retribution for what you blame them for, that led you to lose. You want to punish them for rebelling."

"Ridiculous."

"You forget ― I know what it is to hate, and not just myself. I may not have been oppressed like the Bajorans were, I may share more in common with Cardassians than Bajorans, but I know what it is to hate someone for what they did to you."

“I did nothing to you―” 

“You made me into someone I didn’t want to be. Besides, it isn’t just about you. So if I’m right about your hate, I know how you feel. Why do you think I got so lost in you? There is darkness in me, too. I just won't let it define me, not this time. Somehow, I'll walk away."

He stepped into her space. "You can't walk away from me."

"Watch me."

And she turned to walk away. Dukat grabbed her arm, and she froze.

"Adelaide, please." 

She snapped back to look at him. "We're way beyond that," she said, eyes blazing. "I'm not going to be your plaything, not anymore."

As Adelaide snatched her hand back, Kira approached them.

"Hey, is he bothering you?" said Kira.

"No," said Adelaide, walking away, "I was just leaving."

"You were my lover ―"

Adelaide turned on him. "Okay, _now_ he's bothering me."

Dukat looked at her as though he had gotten the better of her, as if he had caught her out in some forbidden emotion. She resisted, looking coldly back at him, showing no reaction. Because he was wrong, and she refused to give in to him.

She had no feelings left for him now, whatsoever. In fact, it was mortifying that she ever had.

Kira grabbed his arm. “Alright, come on, Dukat. Let’s go have a chat with Odo."

Dukat pulled back his arm, not taking his eyes off Adelaide. “You missed me, admit it."

“I loathe you."

“That never stopped you."

“I _only_ loathe you now,” said Adelaide. “I have absolutely no kind feelings left for you. You’re an evil man, and you only degraded me. I’m glad to be rid of you."

“You don’t mean that."

“No, I actually do. You can’t bully me into being with you anymore."

“You wanted it."

“And you refused to ever stop coming to me. So maybe that was my excuse. But now there’s nothing left for you to exploit."

“I didn’t exploit you! You wanted _me_."

“You always wanted it more. And you were willing to do whatever it took to get it."

“Oh, don’t pretend you were innocent! You _begged_ me to fuck you!"

Adelaide turned her head away, and cringed. “Just take him away,” she told Kira.

“I’m proud of you,” she said, before she hauled Dukat away.

That was as much a show of forgiveness as anything Adelaide could’ve asked for. The words echoed in her head: _I’m proud of you._

But it wasn’t enough, and she knew it never would be. It felt empty, like the only thing she could ever aspire to was saying no and having someone else do the hard work of dragging her enemy away.

Still, at least this time she’d said it. It wasn’t much; it was the bare minimum. But apparently this was something worth being proud of.

Unless this was, as Adelaide suspected, just a lie told for the sake of convincing Adelaide that Kira didn’t hate her. Another false smile to add to her collection.  
There was just one problem with that scenario, and that was Adelaide’s impression of Kira: she wasn’t one to mince words, or hold onto pretence. Which implied that Kira meant what she said, and really was proud of her.

But how could that be? Kira had always been so much stronger, had fought impossible battles, had unshakeable integrity. How could someone like that be proud of someone like Adelaide?

Coming up with no answers, she decided the only way to know was to ask her. So she waited outside the security office for her to emerge, and then approached her.

“You said you were proud of me,” said Adelaide. “How could that possibly be?"

Kira smiled. “You did something that was hard for you: you stood up to Dukat."

“It was hardly something that remained that hard. No part of me at this point was even tempted to cave. If I had done it before…"

“Don’t be ashamed of growing as a person. You did something you couldn’t have done before. The circumstances don’t matter."

“But they do. I haven’t learned to resist temptation at all. I did exactly as I wanted to do at the time. But what I wanted to do just changed, that’s all."

“I understand your concern,” said Kira. “And if you’re really concerned with becoming a better person, I think I can help you with that. All you have to do is overcome your fears and learn to satisfy your needs before they get out of control like that."

“You’re taking me under your wing?"

“Someone has to. You’re not a bad person. You were just misguided. Walk with me…"

Kira wrapped an arm around Adelaide’s shoulder and walked her down the Promenade.

“You shouldn’t be with anyone you don’t know well. You rushed into being with Dukat because he was there, and you shouldn’t do that."

“I know all that,” said Adelaide. “I knew that, but there was no one else. It was a desperate situation; I felt he was the only option had, I thought no one else would ever want me. That was the problem: desperation. I have lived my whole life in isolation, so much so that I don’t know what it is not to feel like that. That builds up in you, and you’d do anything to escape it."

“That’s what you need to break from,” said Kira. “I think what you need is to meet other people, good people. Learn to express yourself, learn to trust people, the right people. I know what it is like when you can no longer follow your head, when your heart takes over and you’re consumed by your worst emotions. There are moments in my past when I just wish I had considered others more. But we can fix that.

“Come to Quark’s with me tonight. I’ll introduce you to some people. I know that’s where you met him,” she said, “but I promise you, I’ll teach you how to talk to people. I’ll introduce you to the good ones. It’s a place to start."

Smiling, Adelaide said, "Deal."

With a renewed hope, she dared to hope for a better future.


End file.
